What has this country come to? Granted, we are a 'majority rules' kind of place, but what happened to each individuals freedom of religion? Oh, I know, it got trampled on by the majorities freedom of speech. I don't know if I can handle another week of having this christian crap shoved down my throat!
Excluding parents with kids, that have to for the sake of keeping them normal, let's take a quick look at christmas. This is supposed to be when Jesus was born. Ok, great, do all these christians know that at this time he was Jewish? Well, the whole time he was alive he was Jewish, I don't think he was worshiping himself. So, now we have christians everywhere celebrating the birth of a Jew. Maybe this isn't so bad.... Oh, yeah, but then you have those christian do-gooders, I will not name names of 'relatives' for anyone...you know what I mean, who really aren't very 'christian'. I could pull out a whole list of things people do that aren't christian while they are preaching to others that they need to act or be more christian, or g-d like, or whatever term they use, it's all the same.
[I have to sorry-so it's ok for your daughter to shack up with some guy and have two kids but it's not ok for your son to live with a woman without being married. And once he ends this marriage it's not ok for him to live with someone, but it is STILL ok for your young daughter to be on her second kid and unwed? And if you wanna be so 'christian' quit screwing everyman that comes through your door...not calling names just passing on information received first hand...oh, and envy, isn't that one of those seven bad sin things, let me see who is the most envious, and perhaps even greediest person I know. PLEASE SOME ONE TELL HER TO STOP PREACHING NOW OR HER HEAD WILL EXPLODE FROM HER HYPOCRISSY!!!!!!!]
Christmas makes me pissy. I hate having Jesus shoved in my face and people talking about G-d. I'll go into a synagague if I want to hear about G-d these people put up trees...explain the concept related to Jesus there (did he once climb one?) and hang stockings (oh I bet he wore socks!) and give presents!!!!! (i doubt they even gave presents on birthdays when this dude was born). Christmas has become SOOOO commercialized it's sickening. If you wanna celebrate the birth of "your savior" don't you think you could do it with a little more tact and actually concentrate on the person and not have it be all about the person you forgot to get a gift for? I don't understand this shit and I am sure I never will.
And christmas parties. Don't get it. Especially like the one I went to last night. Well, no, I get his, it was all about showing off how much money he had. Seriously, who has their initials monogrammed on every single sheet of toilet paper in the roll? Aren't there starving children in Africa somewhere? So, christmas parties, a time for everyone to gather together, drink too much liquor, dance and make fools of themselves, talk shit about everyone they don't like and because they are drunk everyone can hear them, and then be mortified to go back to work on Monday. Great way to celebrate Jesus being born. I can tell you if he "Came back" during that party no one there would be going with him where ever y'all think he's going. I don't know, I am done with this crap. But no, DAVID does christmas and therefore it's not over till it's over.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Ugh!
I hate computers. HATE THEM!!! Why is our society so dependent on them? What did Americans do before we had them? Probably ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, nothing to do! Oh, and why do people feel it is necessary to put viruses on your ocmputers? That is so mean. Those guys need to get lives, or girlfriends, or something. Ridikerous. And then my cable was out cuz they made a freakin trench in front of the building. Assholes. Took four days!!! No TV no computer. So sad.
Life is going, still. Lots of christmas and hanukkah shopping. Over $2,000 total. Jade will be the most spoiled kid in the world. Too much stuff. David wanted it to be a good christmas. I never got a haul like this one....damnit. Anyway, finals on Monday and final papers due and all. LOTS of stufying to do. More later...if I have time.
Life is going, still. Lots of christmas and hanukkah shopping. Over $2,000 total. Jade will be the most spoiled kid in the world. Too much stuff. David wanted it to be a good christmas. I never got a haul like this one....damnit. Anyway, finals on Monday and final papers due and all. LOTS of stufying to do. More later...if I have time.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
I do. Do you?
I don't know what is wrong with me today. Ugh. People aren't cool, you know that? G-d forbid you try to talk to someone that doesn't 'know' you but sees you everyday. I saw someone I have a class with outside of class, in the quad, and asked a simple question. Reaction: Blank stare followed by the person turning around and walking away. Ok. No! I haven't done anything to the person, and even if they didn't recognize me you don't do that to other people. Good lord. It's not like they can say they didn't hear me and they though I was just standing there either, I repeated my question. Whatever.
So I got tired of opening my blog to see Kim yelling at me. I'm gonna put another picture up, which, I have figured out, will be above this one so you will have seen it by the time you read this. I have got to figure out how to control the order this crap goes in. So the pics are of my brother, Jim Avery, and he is currently in Iraq. The one of him with Cheney is from a thing when he was home and they were in state campaigning. We don't talk about the election. That's bad news.
So I have to write a research paper about power. Any kind of power. Thinking of writing on the power teachers have seeing as how that is the profession I am going into. But that is gonna be sooooo boring. The more I think about it the more I wonder if I really want to teach or if I was a little drunk one night and said "Hey! I'm gonna be a teacher!" and I believed myself. I stand firmly, still, that I hate school.
Weird thing happened yesterday. Josh called me. (Just for reference go back and read the thing about the quasi-men in my life) He has returned to Oklahoma...where the wind goes blowing down the lane...to live with Ron, again. Drama in Vegas apparently. Amazingly enough it seems drama follows him everywhere. Hey, me too! Maybe that's just life and one of these days he will learn that and quit running away. Anyway, he called. Just to say hello and he was there and I should keep in touch. But what if I really don't wanna? What if there is a reason I didn't call him much the last year? I don't know. He's bound to call again. Maybe he will when David is home for Thanksgiving and I won't have to talk to him, David can get rid of him for me.
I'm all over the place today, aren't I? Well, I don't know anything else. My brain is fried. I'm gonna go to Lisa's house and eat some food. I hope they have something better than I have. Hungry.
So I got tired of opening my blog to see Kim yelling at me. I'm gonna put another picture up, which, I have figured out, will be above this one so you will have seen it by the time you read this. I have got to figure out how to control the order this crap goes in. So the pics are of my brother, Jim Avery, and he is currently in Iraq. The one of him with Cheney is from a thing when he was home and they were in state campaigning. We don't talk about the election. That's bad news.
So I have to write a research paper about power. Any kind of power. Thinking of writing on the power teachers have seeing as how that is the profession I am going into. But that is gonna be sooooo boring. The more I think about it the more I wonder if I really want to teach or if I was a little drunk one night and said "Hey! I'm gonna be a teacher!" and I believed myself. I stand firmly, still, that I hate school.
Weird thing happened yesterday. Josh called me. (Just for reference go back and read the thing about the quasi-men in my life) He has returned to Oklahoma...where the wind goes blowing down the lane...to live with Ron, again. Drama in Vegas apparently. Amazingly enough it seems drama follows him everywhere. Hey, me too! Maybe that's just life and one of these days he will learn that and quit running away. Anyway, he called. Just to say hello and he was there and I should keep in touch. But what if I really don't wanna? What if there is a reason I didn't call him much the last year? I don't know. He's bound to call again. Maybe he will when David is home for Thanksgiving and I won't have to talk to him, David can get rid of him for me.
I'm all over the place today, aren't I? Well, I don't know anything else. My brain is fried. I'm gonna go to Lisa's house and eat some food. I hope they have something better than I have. Hungry.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Picture day!!
So today is picture day. Kim and Lucas on Halloween, Jade and David when he was home on the 24th. Aren't they all so cute?
This is Jade hamming it up for the camera. She loves to have her picture taken.
Jade with her daddy! This was like the fifth picture taken, she did NOT want to hold still.
Isn't she gorgeous? Wild hair and all, she looks like David.
So Lucas wants to be a cheerleader. He has his KU poms his funky chicken cheer and a great smile.
Look! It's Spiderman!! And look, another and another. I think I saw like four of them, but he WAS the cutest.
Sorry Kim, had to do it. I talk about you and I need a pic of you up here. Not so flattering but at least you can see your face. Yes, I'm laughing inside. Are you yawning or opening the hanger for the airplane to fly in?--Did we ever try that one with Lucas?
This is Jade hamming it up for the camera. She loves to have her picture taken.
Jade with her daddy! This was like the fifth picture taken, she did NOT want to hold still.
Isn't she gorgeous? Wild hair and all, she looks like David.
So Lucas wants to be a cheerleader. He has his KU poms his funky chicken cheer and a great smile.
Look! It's Spiderman!! And look, another and another. I think I saw like four of them, but he WAS the cutest.
Sorry Kim, had to do it. I talk about you and I need a pic of you up here. Not so flattering but at least you can see your face. Yes, I'm laughing inside. Are you yawning or opening the hanger for the airplane to fly in?--Did we ever try that one with Lucas?
I'm moving to Canada! Anyone coming with?
I'll explain that better in a minute. For now, I've been told I needed to update this by many people. They were tired of opening it and seeing my large gaping stomach hole. Now it's closed...yay!...but itching like a mother you know what. It's not healed, it's just kind of scabbed.
So, life has been busy as always. David was home for a little while (2 weeks) and has already gone back to Jersey. He is supposedly going to be there until January. He even gets to come home for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see him again but I hate saying good bye.
Hopefully that won't put any dampers on Nov 22 (Super important date you know!) The little darling, Lucas that is, will be 4. Ohmygawd. I keep saying I remember him when he was this big...imagine me holding my fingers like a foot apart, and then of course his mother says "He was never that big". I guess she gets to say that because pushing out a 22 inch child is no fun and saying he was only 12 inches takes away from the proud 'I gave birth to a baby how big???' mommy badge. Which she should wear proudly. I can't imagine. But when I look at him now it seems like he was that big. And I did know him when he was that big. He was still Ducky at that point. It was ducky...wasn't it? (If you haven't noticed I have an obsession with ellipses...) Ok, so now he's four. That makes me how old? Lord. I vividly remember time before Lucas, especially right before. I remember Kim telling me she was pregnant. I remember seeing her when she was still flat tummy-ed and when I came back she was big fat momma. And I remember the day he was born. No, I wasn't there (damn that Robby, all the way to Alabama) but I remember. I was sitting in the apartment and thinking of her. I got worried and tried to call her. Nothing. I called and called and called. Nothing. AARRGGHHHHH!!! So I called Matt and instructed him to call all hospitals. He obviously missed one because he reported nothing back. A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING! Then a few days later I get an "Oh, guess what I did". I knew it! And there was little Lucas Gabriel. I remember the first time I saw him and the first time I held him. I was so afraid I was gonna drop him or break him, he was tiny. (Imagine Kim saying, "He was never tiny!" while brandishing her mommy badge)
Well he definitely isn't tiny anymore. Four. I never thought I could feel so old. He is going to be going to a real school in two years and damn it I swear he was just born a year or two ago. I can't take this anymore. Don't kids know they aren't allowed to get any older? I need a time machine.
So, Canada. Anyone willing to go with? I have to get out of this country. A bunch of 'moral' do(no)gooders. I was watching something that made me laugh. He said something along these lines- We will just divide the country into two new countries. All the states in blue [level headed and tree huggin democratic Kerry voters] can have gay marriage, abolish the second amendment and hold on to the first (YAY!). All the states in red [right wing conservative christian civil liberty stompin bible thumpin old fogy bunch of redneck tyrannical republican 'Bushy' voters] can abolish gay marriage, the first amendment, hold on to the second, and have the ten commandments embroidered onto all the judges robes. I agree, but make the republicans take the states like Minnesota and Wisconsin. They are practically Canadians anyway and they are covered in snow all year round and those 'American' republicans (who think everything non-republican like questioning authority or standing up for our civil liberties is sooo un-American) can all freeze to death in that little hell. Can you guess who I voted for? I want out of this G-d forsaken country now.
So, life has been busy as always. David was home for a little while (2 weeks) and has already gone back to Jersey. He is supposedly going to be there until January. He even gets to come home for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see him again but I hate saying good bye.
Hopefully that won't put any dampers on Nov 22 (Super important date you know!) The little darling, Lucas that is, will be 4. Ohmygawd. I keep saying I remember him when he was this big...imagine me holding my fingers like a foot apart, and then of course his mother says "He was never that big". I guess she gets to say that because pushing out a 22 inch child is no fun and saying he was only 12 inches takes away from the proud 'I gave birth to a baby how big???' mommy badge. Which she should wear proudly. I can't imagine. But when I look at him now it seems like he was that big. And I did know him when he was that big. He was still Ducky at that point. It was ducky...wasn't it? (If you haven't noticed I have an obsession with ellipses...) Ok, so now he's four. That makes me how old? Lord. I vividly remember time before Lucas, especially right before. I remember Kim telling me she was pregnant. I remember seeing her when she was still flat tummy-ed and when I came back she was big fat momma. And I remember the day he was born. No, I wasn't there (damn that Robby, all the way to Alabama) but I remember. I was sitting in the apartment and thinking of her. I got worried and tried to call her. Nothing. I called and called and called. Nothing. AARRGGHHHHH!!! So I called Matt and instructed him to call all hospitals. He obviously missed one because he reported nothing back. A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING! Then a few days later I get an "Oh, guess what I did". I knew it! And there was little Lucas Gabriel. I remember the first time I saw him and the first time I held him. I was so afraid I was gonna drop him or break him, he was tiny. (Imagine Kim saying, "He was never tiny!" while brandishing her mommy badge)
Well he definitely isn't tiny anymore. Four. I never thought I could feel so old. He is going to be going to a real school in two years and damn it I swear he was just born a year or two ago. I can't take this anymore. Don't kids know they aren't allowed to get any older? I need a time machine.
So, Canada. Anyone willing to go with? I have to get out of this country. A bunch of 'moral' do(no)gooders. I was watching something that made me laugh. He said something along these lines- We will just divide the country into two new countries. All the states in blue [level headed and tree huggin democratic Kerry voters] can have gay marriage, abolish the second amendment and hold on to the first (YAY!). All the states in red [right wing conservative christian civil liberty stompin bible thumpin old fogy bunch of redneck tyrannical republican 'Bushy' voters] can abolish gay marriage, the first amendment, hold on to the second, and have the ten commandments embroidered onto all the judges robes. I agree, but make the republicans take the states like Minnesota and Wisconsin. They are practically Canadians anyway and they are covered in snow all year round and those 'American' republicans (who think everything non-republican like questioning authority or standing up for our civil liberties is sooo un-American) can all freeze to death in that little hell. Can you guess who I voted for? I want out of this G-d forsaken country now.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Wonder what I have been up to?
Take a look at the pictures. Ow! Talk about a bad infection. Still no clue how it happened. Dr's can't even tell me. A little infection that got out of control. First time I went to the ER at Mo Bap and they said here take some antibiotics it will go away. After growing 3x in one night I went to St Johns and they said 'hey, let's drain that!' So they cut and they pulled and then they filled it with gauze. Yeah that was soooo much fun. Then the next day I went back in terrible pain, they hadn't given me anything for the ouch. So they opened it back up, pushed and pulled and drained some more and packed with more gauze. So, then a few days later I go to the surgeon. Hahahahaha. Not such a good idea. He said it was like a cavern. The inside was hollow and they had to take the top off to let it heal from the inside out. Bastard. So now I have a hole in my stomach. A hole.
OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you, it doesn't feel good. Three times a day I have to remove the gauze in there, myself, and replace it with new gauze. She tells me, the nurse that is, that it will hurt the first time but after that it's no big deal. Yeah. Ok. No. It did hurt the first time. And the second. And tonight when I change it I will be once again screaming and yelling. It kind of attaches to everything inside my stomach and then when I take it out it pulls on it all and it bleeds and there is this metallic taste in my mouth and I have never been so nauseated as I am when I do this. And I have to do it for another month. I full month to heal. I don't have time for this crap. Anyway. Ouch.
OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you, it doesn't feel good. Three times a day I have to remove the gauze in there, myself, and replace it with new gauze. She tells me, the nurse that is, that it will hurt the first time but after that it's no big deal. Yeah. Ok. No. It did hurt the first time. And the second. And tonight when I change it I will be once again screaming and yelling. It kind of attaches to everything inside my stomach and then when I take it out it pulls on it all and it bleeds and there is this metallic taste in my mouth and I have never been so nauseated as I am when I do this. And I have to do it for another month. I full month to heal. I don't have time for this crap. Anyway. Ouch.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Can I get off this ride now?....I'm nauseated.
I hate school. I hate school. I hate school. I hate school. Oh yeah, by the way, I HATE SCHOOL!!!! I have to go to class in about an hour so I am actually going to have to keep this short. So I hate school. Let me tell you why.
IT SUCKS!!! My PE Activities class is ok. Gyllenborg is cool and we have fun. We actually have to get up in front of the class and teach a lesson though. Mine is on the eleventh. Oct 11th and I lost my lesson plan so I have to find the lesson online again and re-write it. Life is not fair. Oh, and I have to observe PE classes in schools, real ones that is, and that SUCKS! I went and did one of my observations today at McKelvey Elementary in the Parkway District. I used to work for the YMCA at McKelvey in their SACC program so it was fun to go back years later and see the kids growing. But it sucked because I had to be there at nine in the morning and Wednesdays are my sleeping in no class till eleven days. Grrr, now I'm gonna be tired and crabby.
Next is my English class, which I must go to soon. Two papers everyday and one essay basically every week from here on out. Sooooo much writing. I think it is a violation of one of those constitutional rights. Cruel and unusual punishment or something, do you realize how much writing that is?? A shit load of writing. Like everyday I am writing a paper and reading crap I don't feel like reading. I just want this class to be over NOW.
And of course my music class. BORING! I don't care about learning how to play the Autoharp or why students learn music the way that they do, I AM NOT A MUSIC TEACHER!!! Don't lecture me anyone, I know why I have to take it but that doesn't mean I can't bitch. It just sucks. She gives very vague lectures about why it probably happens this way or that and then expects us to learn it and apply it to lessons and analyze them. I am doing enough analysis in my English class; I don't need it in music too.
I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!
And then there is work. I hate work. I am done. I don't want to do it anymore. Uch. Sitting in an office all day doing the same damn thing over and over. That's why I want to teach. Same type of stuff over and over but no office and lots of variety in material. Offices suck. Work sucks. I think I am going to retire.
David. Do I even have to go there? No, but unfortunately I am. He is coming home on Sunday for two weeks. I don't know how I feel about this yet. I am excited, yes. I get to inflict bodily harm upon him and that makes me happy. But we have to talk. I don't know that I want to talk anymore. I am pissed now just as much as I was before and talking about it is only going to make me more mad. Anyone see the logic in that? I do. He doesn't have a car...no insurance. So I guess I am the cab, which is ok, but not if I have to take him and his wife somewhere, which he is insisting on doing. I am sorry but do I want him spending anytime with her? No. Especially not after he ran up a $600 cell phone bill for me talking to her about me among other things he insists. Whatever. Not a happy camper. I woulnd't vote for him.
WHICH REMINDS ME!!!!!!! GO VOTE NOVEMBER 2!!!!!!!
I don't even care who you vote for (that's a lie yes I do but I won't tell you who to vote for) just go vote!
Ok, I think I am done. I feel sick now and I am going to be thinking about his dumb ass all day long now. Great, just ruined my day.
IT SUCKS!!! My PE Activities class is ok. Gyllenborg is cool and we have fun. We actually have to get up in front of the class and teach a lesson though. Mine is on the eleventh. Oct 11th and I lost my lesson plan so I have to find the lesson online again and re-write it. Life is not fair. Oh, and I have to observe PE classes in schools, real ones that is, and that SUCKS! I went and did one of my observations today at McKelvey Elementary in the Parkway District. I used to work for the YMCA at McKelvey in their SACC program so it was fun to go back years later and see the kids growing. But it sucked because I had to be there at nine in the morning and Wednesdays are my sleeping in no class till eleven days. Grrr, now I'm gonna be tired and crabby.
Next is my English class, which I must go to soon. Two papers everyday and one essay basically every week from here on out. Sooooo much writing. I think it is a violation of one of those constitutional rights. Cruel and unusual punishment or something, do you realize how much writing that is?? A shit load of writing. Like everyday I am writing a paper and reading crap I don't feel like reading. I just want this class to be over NOW.
And of course my music class. BORING! I don't care about learning how to play the Autoharp or why students learn music the way that they do, I AM NOT A MUSIC TEACHER!!! Don't lecture me anyone, I know why I have to take it but that doesn't mean I can't bitch. It just sucks. She gives very vague lectures about why it probably happens this way or that and then expects us to learn it and apply it to lessons and analyze them. I am doing enough analysis in my English class; I don't need it in music too.
I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!
And then there is work. I hate work. I am done. I don't want to do it anymore. Uch. Sitting in an office all day doing the same damn thing over and over. That's why I want to teach. Same type of stuff over and over but no office and lots of variety in material. Offices suck. Work sucks. I think I am going to retire.
David. Do I even have to go there? No, but unfortunately I am. He is coming home on Sunday for two weeks. I don't know how I feel about this yet. I am excited, yes. I get to inflict bodily harm upon him and that makes me happy. But we have to talk. I don't know that I want to talk anymore. I am pissed now just as much as I was before and talking about it is only going to make me more mad. Anyone see the logic in that? I do. He doesn't have a car...no insurance. So I guess I am the cab, which is ok, but not if I have to take him and his wife somewhere, which he is insisting on doing. I am sorry but do I want him spending anytime with her? No. Especially not after he ran up a $600 cell phone bill for me talking to her about me among other things he insists. Whatever. Not a happy camper. I woulnd't vote for him.
WHICH REMINDS ME!!!!!!! GO VOTE NOVEMBER 2!!!!!!!
I don't even care who you vote for (that's a lie yes I do but I won't tell you who to vote for) just go vote!
Ok, I think I am done. I feel sick now and I am going to be thinking about his dumb ass all day long now. Great, just ruined my day.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Those damn men....
Well, two birds with one stone maybe. I went to see Robby last weekend because he was running away from Hurricane Ivan. This weekend I went down to Mississippi to see him. That was a mistake. The whole being with, near, around, in the general vicinity of him was just awful. Now I know how I really feel about him. I am beginning to wonder if I even loved him in the first place or if he became one big crutch.
But I had fun while down south. I went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico in Biloxi, MS which I do NOT recommend to anyone. Smells awful, well not when you are in it but wait till you get out. You smell like crap for days, still can't get that smell off of me. I also got to go to New Orleans. That was cool! Spent some time down in the French Quarter and walked all over Bourbon Street. There are some crazy ass people down there. It was a good time, regardless of the fact that Robby was there because he was being civil at the time, it wasn't until later that teeth were bared, oh and fists. I won't go into details for the sake of some of the people that are reading this but it was pretty bad. But I didn't let him ruin my trip, I enjoyed Mississippi as much as I could and would have no problem going back. I absolutely adore his family and his brother is pretty cool so I would definitely go visit again, but for more than a day or two seeing as how it's an eleven hour drive.
Ok, so I was in Mississippi. Middle of the night, like 11:30ish I am told there is a Tropical Storm coming our general direction. Oh really? Jeanne sucks. So to get away from that I had to either go home then or wait it out a day or two till the winds died down. I chose option C. I didn't want to stay there a few more days because I wanted to kill Robby and I had to leave before I was arrested. I also wasn't trying to drive eleven hours in the dark after spending the better part of the day drinking in New Orleans. So I didn't what any person would do. I called another one of 'those men'. Apparently Atlanta/Athens is only six hours from Biloxi, well the way I drive, and that is markedly shorter than eleven hours. So, at nearly five o'clock this morning I showed up at Joey's front door. I have never been to his place before. Oh he's home I'll edit this later and write more.
Ok, many hours later. I don't know what I expected coming here. I had just had an awful weekend and I guess maybe I thought he could/would make me feel better. Boy was I wrong. It seems to me that more and more I am beginning to see how I really feel about people that I have cared about for so long. Maybe in my mind if I keep caring about them then I think they have to keep caring about me. I don't know how that works or how that can at all be logical but perhaps that is part of my problem.
Anyway, now I'm in Atlanta. I always thought that Joey understood me, that he wasn't judgmental, and that he cared. Well, I know he used to, but I am pretty sure he doesn't anymore. All he has done today is call me out and tell me what horrible decisions I make and how I always get involved with crap guys, yadayada. I felt like shit and I wanted him to at least be semi-kind about it all and I felt like he was berating me. He made a comment about kids these days and when I looked at him and asked....Kids?, he explained it's not an age issue basically implying that he believes I am immature, and then he turns around and asks me flat out when I am going to be sexy again. Referring to the fact that I used to be skinny and beautiful and I felt like he was saying as long as you are a fat cow I don't care about you, when you get pretty again let me know. I am sure that is taken way out of context but that really hurt me and that's how I took it.
Joey really means a lot to me and what he thinks of me matters, and he has totally torn me down. I walked in the door and he didn't really even say hi but when my friend walked by, whom he has never met, he grabbed her hugged her and said sorry everyone gets a hug. When I did go to hug him he did the side thing and pushed me away. Then a few minutes later he tells me how hot my friend is and how she has a sexy little body. Not hi, I haven't seen you in a year, how are you, I know things aren't going well for you how are you holding up. Just hey your friends hot and don't worry I'll ask you later why you aren't pretty anymore. When he asked me later why I let men treat me the way that I do (and he said it sounding like he was just god's gift) I wanted to ask him why he treats me the way he does. For instance, I am sitting at his computer writing this while he took my friend out to some bar. She is underage, pregnant, and out drinking with the person I came to see. I want so badly to leave her ass here and say have fun getting home bitch. I am so mad at her too for this weekend. I guess I never really explained the situation and circumstances around the Robby thing.
So he was running away from Hurricane Ivan and I went to visit him while he was up north. That went relatively well. We argued, which apparently we seem to do really well from what I remember four years ago. We caught up the first day. A lot of it was him apologizing for what happened four years ago and telling me how sorry he was and how much he still loved me. Confusion, anger, so many emotions. I knew I shouldn't believe him, and I didn't really. He told me all the things a normal girl would want to hear but me being the skeptical person that I am I looked at everything he said closely. I caught him in quite a few lies just in those two days. He told me he wanted to come back to Missouri to change his life and be near me. I told him if he really wanted to he was welcome, I never turn anyone down, but he needed to wait about a month. He was stubborn and said no I'm gonna go get my paycheck and come up. The day I left there his mother said I should come down to Mississippi for Nikki and Robert's wedding (his sister and new brother-in-law). I agreed and Robby said he probably wouldn't have access to a phone over the week seeing as how he stays in New Orleans so just to come on down next weekend.
Friday, still no word from Robby. I spoke to his mom and she was surprised he hadn't called me but said if he hadn't she had no problem with me coming down. So I called Polina and asked if she wanted to go to Mississippi because I didn't want to drive alone and I knew her unemployed ass didn't have anything better to do. I was excited. Not only did I get to see Robby again but I was going to be at the Gulf and by New Orleans, this was about more than seeing him, it was the first road trip I had been on in a long time and I used to do it all the time. When I got down there I found out he had been kicked out of his mothers for basically being a lying little piece of shit. He went back to living with his 14 yr old, yes 14 yrs old and he's 21, girlfriend that does crystal meth and coke and all that crap. So no one knew exactly where he was. Notes and messages were left for him but they couldn't promise I would see him.
After losing my keys Polina and I decided to walk to get some food (everyone else was at the rehearsal dinner thing....I have never understood why people have to rehearse how to eat :-) )We got up to Checkers, which I understand is a Rally's for southern people, and Polina says 'hey isn't that his car?' as someone pulls out of the drive thru. I walked to the side of the parking lot screamed his name and sure enough it was him with Amber, the 14 yr old. We argued, I yelled, which apparently I am good at, or at least I do it often, and I didn't see him until the next day around 2ish when he came to the Yacht Club for the wedding to help set up. He apologized, again, for being an ass an said he wanted to talk later. Fine.
He cries at the wedding, wants to know why he can't be happy. He again apologizes for not staying with me and marrying me four years ago like he said he would. Ok, then he starts his I want to come to Missouri with you crap again. Oh lord here we go. All of this after I have talked to his family, learned more about him now, and at this point know that if he is looking at me and his mouth is moving he is lying. I tried to tell him what I thought he would want to hear to try to make the situation a little more bearable.
After much drinking and a lot of not arguing, finally, he got a little more physical than I would have ever liked. I don't think it will scar but while 'playing' as he put it he definitely took a chunk out of my knee by throwing my drunk ass onto the ground. After that everyone (all the brothers, sisters, and friends that were at the house that night) decided it was time to go to sleep.
In the morning Robby offered to take us to New Orleans. I later found out it was so that he could have an excuse to drink all day. I have noticed that if he doesn't have beer or alcohol or weed in his hand or body he is not happy. (VERY NOT COOL WITH ME!!!) So we went. He drank, a lot, and I drank because it was New Orleans. We talked some more and on the way back to his mom's house Amber called my cell phone. That was fun. He was still in his I am coming to Missouri mood at this point, then he started to reassure me over and over that he was coming. I kept telling him not to lie to me and he would get pissed off and throw a tantrum. Well, he had to go to her house to get his stuff and guess who called to say he couldn't come and he had to stay with his girl that he loved. hahahahaha. Sarcasm in that ha, laughing in that ha, pain in that ha.
Duh. I had been telling him I knew he wasn't going to come back with me. He then gets pissed yells screams, says I have been begging him to come back to Missouri with him and that I should have taken the hint when he didn't call me this week. A lot of bullshit that wasn't true. Basically it was for the benefit of Nikki and Robert who were standing there and Robert was getting ready to beat the living hell out of Robby for the shit he put me through this weekend. (I am writing the extremely shorthand version here, it goes on to no end almost)
So he made me feel like shit. He lied to me all weekend. While I knew he was lying and I kept telling myself he was lying there is always a part in me that wants to believe people, so I give in that little piece and then when I find out for sure that they have lied I am hurt because I wanted to believe. So yeah he hurt me this weekend. I wanted to do physical bodily harm to him. I thought I loved him four years ago,and maybe for a second when I saw him again, but now I know I never even knew this guy. And unfortunately, or maybe it is a fortunate thing, I have his initials forever on my body (done four years ago). Maybe that will serve as a reminder to me and a lesson, especially after all I just went through this tattoo on my body has taken on a whole new meaning for me. The heart symbolizes my love, that sometimes I give to guys too freely. His initials, while they are his and will always be and stand for the 'love' I had for him are now kind of symbolic in my mind of all the guys I have loved up to this point. And then two years ago when I tried to get it covered and blacked over, that is me trying to remove all of those men from my life. Amazingly enough it didn't cover well. You can still see the letters if you look hard enough, sort of like I can remember those men if I think about it and I can remember what I learned from those relationships that I am no longer in. As much as I want to cover that tattoo completely and get rid of it I can't. I don't know if it's because it's Robby and I think a part of him will always be a part of me, or if it is because it really does sort of represent all of my failed relationships to me. Maybe when I find the right person if they ask me to cover it I will. I am not ready or willing to yet.
So, I don't know if I have written this yet or not but David and I are over. I guess. I love him and I miss him so much and it really is hard not to be with him. But all I want to do is run away. I want to run away from him, I want to run away from my 'friends', from all the people around me, even my family. I don't want to be in school anymore, I want to be free to go where ever I want and leave the Robby's and Joey's of my life behind and move on to make more Robby's and Joey's for my future.
I am 22. I am an emotional wreck. I am more than likely depressed, at this point I couldn't even nail down what it is from (however I know it has to do with David and his leaving, lying, whatever) I feel hopeless most of the time and worthless the rest of the time. I can never do anything right by anyone, especially myself and no matter how hard I try I can't please anyone,even myself. Maybe I was wrong in pushing David away. He loved me for who I was then and there. But then again he wronged me so many times and so many ways. I am so confused. I am not sure what I am supposed to do anymore. I guess I'll just go to school, go to work, try to pay my bills, graduate from school and run away then. Sounds like a plan to me.
But I had fun while down south. I went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico in Biloxi, MS which I do NOT recommend to anyone. Smells awful, well not when you are in it but wait till you get out. You smell like crap for days, still can't get that smell off of me. I also got to go to New Orleans. That was cool! Spent some time down in the French Quarter and walked all over Bourbon Street. There are some crazy ass people down there. It was a good time, regardless of the fact that Robby was there because he was being civil at the time, it wasn't until later that teeth were bared, oh and fists. I won't go into details for the sake of some of the people that are reading this but it was pretty bad. But I didn't let him ruin my trip, I enjoyed Mississippi as much as I could and would have no problem going back. I absolutely adore his family and his brother is pretty cool so I would definitely go visit again, but for more than a day or two seeing as how it's an eleven hour drive.
Ok, so I was in Mississippi. Middle of the night, like 11:30ish I am told there is a Tropical Storm coming our general direction. Oh really? Jeanne sucks. So to get away from that I had to either go home then or wait it out a day or two till the winds died down. I chose option C. I didn't want to stay there a few more days because I wanted to kill Robby and I had to leave before I was arrested. I also wasn't trying to drive eleven hours in the dark after spending the better part of the day drinking in New Orleans. So I didn't what any person would do. I called another one of 'those men'. Apparently Atlanta/Athens is only six hours from Biloxi, well the way I drive, and that is markedly shorter than eleven hours. So, at nearly five o'clock this morning I showed up at Joey's front door. I have never been to his place before. Oh he's home I'll edit this later and write more.
Ok, many hours later. I don't know what I expected coming here. I had just had an awful weekend and I guess maybe I thought he could/would make me feel better. Boy was I wrong. It seems to me that more and more I am beginning to see how I really feel about people that I have cared about for so long. Maybe in my mind if I keep caring about them then I think they have to keep caring about me. I don't know how that works or how that can at all be logical but perhaps that is part of my problem.
Anyway, now I'm in Atlanta. I always thought that Joey understood me, that he wasn't judgmental, and that he cared. Well, I know he used to, but I am pretty sure he doesn't anymore. All he has done today is call me out and tell me what horrible decisions I make and how I always get involved with crap guys, yadayada. I felt like shit and I wanted him to at least be semi-kind about it all and I felt like he was berating me. He made a comment about kids these days and when I looked at him and asked....Kids?, he explained it's not an age issue basically implying that he believes I am immature, and then he turns around and asks me flat out when I am going to be sexy again. Referring to the fact that I used to be skinny and beautiful and I felt like he was saying as long as you are a fat cow I don't care about you, when you get pretty again let me know. I am sure that is taken way out of context but that really hurt me and that's how I took it.
Joey really means a lot to me and what he thinks of me matters, and he has totally torn me down. I walked in the door and he didn't really even say hi but when my friend walked by, whom he has never met, he grabbed her hugged her and said sorry everyone gets a hug. When I did go to hug him he did the side thing and pushed me away. Then a few minutes later he tells me how hot my friend is and how she has a sexy little body. Not hi, I haven't seen you in a year, how are you, I know things aren't going well for you how are you holding up. Just hey your friends hot and don't worry I'll ask you later why you aren't pretty anymore. When he asked me later why I let men treat me the way that I do (and he said it sounding like he was just god's gift) I wanted to ask him why he treats me the way he does. For instance, I am sitting at his computer writing this while he took my friend out to some bar. She is underage, pregnant, and out drinking with the person I came to see. I want so badly to leave her ass here and say have fun getting home bitch. I am so mad at her too for this weekend. I guess I never really explained the situation and circumstances around the Robby thing.
So he was running away from Hurricane Ivan and I went to visit him while he was up north. That went relatively well. We argued, which apparently we seem to do really well from what I remember four years ago. We caught up the first day. A lot of it was him apologizing for what happened four years ago and telling me how sorry he was and how much he still loved me. Confusion, anger, so many emotions. I knew I shouldn't believe him, and I didn't really. He told me all the things a normal girl would want to hear but me being the skeptical person that I am I looked at everything he said closely. I caught him in quite a few lies just in those two days. He told me he wanted to come back to Missouri to change his life and be near me. I told him if he really wanted to he was welcome, I never turn anyone down, but he needed to wait about a month. He was stubborn and said no I'm gonna go get my paycheck and come up. The day I left there his mother said I should come down to Mississippi for Nikki and Robert's wedding (his sister and new brother-in-law). I agreed and Robby said he probably wouldn't have access to a phone over the week seeing as how he stays in New Orleans so just to come on down next weekend.
Friday, still no word from Robby. I spoke to his mom and she was surprised he hadn't called me but said if he hadn't she had no problem with me coming down. So I called Polina and asked if she wanted to go to Mississippi because I didn't want to drive alone and I knew her unemployed ass didn't have anything better to do. I was excited. Not only did I get to see Robby again but I was going to be at the Gulf and by New Orleans, this was about more than seeing him, it was the first road trip I had been on in a long time and I used to do it all the time. When I got down there I found out he had been kicked out of his mothers for basically being a lying little piece of shit. He went back to living with his 14 yr old, yes 14 yrs old and he's 21, girlfriend that does crystal meth and coke and all that crap. So no one knew exactly where he was. Notes and messages were left for him but they couldn't promise I would see him.
After losing my keys Polina and I decided to walk to get some food (everyone else was at the rehearsal dinner thing....I have never understood why people have to rehearse how to eat :-) )We got up to Checkers, which I understand is a Rally's for southern people, and Polina says 'hey isn't that his car?' as someone pulls out of the drive thru. I walked to the side of the parking lot screamed his name and sure enough it was him with Amber, the 14 yr old. We argued, I yelled, which apparently I am good at, or at least I do it often, and I didn't see him until the next day around 2ish when he came to the Yacht Club for the wedding to help set up. He apologized, again, for being an ass an said he wanted to talk later. Fine.
He cries at the wedding, wants to know why he can't be happy. He again apologizes for not staying with me and marrying me four years ago like he said he would. Ok, then he starts his I want to come to Missouri with you crap again. Oh lord here we go. All of this after I have talked to his family, learned more about him now, and at this point know that if he is looking at me and his mouth is moving he is lying. I tried to tell him what I thought he would want to hear to try to make the situation a little more bearable.
After much drinking and a lot of not arguing, finally, he got a little more physical than I would have ever liked. I don't think it will scar but while 'playing' as he put it he definitely took a chunk out of my knee by throwing my drunk ass onto the ground. After that everyone (all the brothers, sisters, and friends that were at the house that night) decided it was time to go to sleep.
In the morning Robby offered to take us to New Orleans. I later found out it was so that he could have an excuse to drink all day. I have noticed that if he doesn't have beer or alcohol or weed in his hand or body he is not happy. (VERY NOT COOL WITH ME!!!) So we went. He drank, a lot, and I drank because it was New Orleans. We talked some more and on the way back to his mom's house Amber called my cell phone. That was fun. He was still in his I am coming to Missouri mood at this point, then he started to reassure me over and over that he was coming. I kept telling him not to lie to me and he would get pissed off and throw a tantrum. Well, he had to go to her house to get his stuff and guess who called to say he couldn't come and he had to stay with his girl that he loved. hahahahaha. Sarcasm in that ha, laughing in that ha, pain in that ha.
Duh. I had been telling him I knew he wasn't going to come back with me. He then gets pissed yells screams, says I have been begging him to come back to Missouri with him and that I should have taken the hint when he didn't call me this week. A lot of bullshit that wasn't true. Basically it was for the benefit of Nikki and Robert who were standing there and Robert was getting ready to beat the living hell out of Robby for the shit he put me through this weekend. (I am writing the extremely shorthand version here, it goes on to no end almost)
So he made me feel like shit. He lied to me all weekend. While I knew he was lying and I kept telling myself he was lying there is always a part in me that wants to believe people, so I give in that little piece and then when I find out for sure that they have lied I am hurt because I wanted to believe. So yeah he hurt me this weekend. I wanted to do physical bodily harm to him. I thought I loved him four years ago,and maybe for a second when I saw him again, but now I know I never even knew this guy. And unfortunately, or maybe it is a fortunate thing, I have his initials forever on my body (done four years ago). Maybe that will serve as a reminder to me and a lesson, especially after all I just went through this tattoo on my body has taken on a whole new meaning for me. The heart symbolizes my love, that sometimes I give to guys too freely. His initials, while they are his and will always be and stand for the 'love' I had for him are now kind of symbolic in my mind of all the guys I have loved up to this point. And then two years ago when I tried to get it covered and blacked over, that is me trying to remove all of those men from my life. Amazingly enough it didn't cover well. You can still see the letters if you look hard enough, sort of like I can remember those men if I think about it and I can remember what I learned from those relationships that I am no longer in. As much as I want to cover that tattoo completely and get rid of it I can't. I don't know if it's because it's Robby and I think a part of him will always be a part of me, or if it is because it really does sort of represent all of my failed relationships to me. Maybe when I find the right person if they ask me to cover it I will. I am not ready or willing to yet.
So, I don't know if I have written this yet or not but David and I are over. I guess. I love him and I miss him so much and it really is hard not to be with him. But all I want to do is run away. I want to run away from him, I want to run away from my 'friends', from all the people around me, even my family. I don't want to be in school anymore, I want to be free to go where ever I want and leave the Robby's and Joey's of my life behind and move on to make more Robby's and Joey's for my future.
I am 22. I am an emotional wreck. I am more than likely depressed, at this point I couldn't even nail down what it is from (however I know it has to do with David and his leaving, lying, whatever) I feel hopeless most of the time and worthless the rest of the time. I can never do anything right by anyone, especially myself and no matter how hard I try I can't please anyone,even myself. Maybe I was wrong in pushing David away. He loved me for who I was then and there. But then again he wronged me so many times and so many ways. I am so confused. I am not sure what I am supposed to do anymore. I guess I'll just go to school, go to work, try to pay my bills, graduate from school and run away then. Sounds like a plan to me.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
The men that made me Me
So I do some scrap booking from time to time. Basically whenever I can find the time, which isn't very often. I have literally thousands of pictures of people I don't even remember. I was constantly attached to a camera my teenage years afraid I would forget them, and now I have and I look at pictures of people whose names I can’t recall and I am not even sure I ever knew what they were in the first place.
I was beginning a double lay page the other day when I was struck with an idea. I would make one page be all the major heartbreaks I have had in my life and the other more minor heartbreaks. Let's just say the pagers are crammed with pictures. I had my time of being, well, easy in high school and may have slept with quite a few people but when it came to relationships that were serious there were barely a dozen. Most of my relationships were fast and hard and crashed the same way. I easily become attached to guys I am with but these are special ones, ones that really took a piece with them when they left and that I will never forget.
I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss some of these people and perhaps give you a little insight into my life. The pictures in my scrapbook are dated, some by when the photo was taken and others by the date when my heart was broken. I will try to get some of them up so you can see who I am talking about. I will start with what I consider my major heartbreakers. Lord I pray my mother never reads this. David I know you will read this so just read it all the way through before you get angry. Maybe you will get a little insight into who I am and why I am the way I am.
May 1996~ Shawn Moody. This picture was taken at my graduation from 8th grade. Wow, that name brings back soooo many memories. When I first moved into my home in West County with my mom I met Shawn. A year older than me and such a stud. Well I thought so. The thought is almost laughable now. He was the same as me, an insecure, moody, reckless teenager. We were at first just friends as we met when I was eleven. I had a puppy crush on him and played with my dolls and named one Danielle Moody. I wanted him to like me as much as I did him but I thought that would never happen. As we started to get older and his hormones kicked in it became much different. As I look back now I see there was a lot of manipulation on his part, but apparently that’s normal for hormonal teenage boys. Nothing serious happened, just a lot of heavy petting and making out. Unfortunately I did sleep with him a few years later because I thought I was still so in love with him and life would be grand. I quickly found out he wasn't nearly as great as I thought he might be and gave up on the dream of little children running around our house. Thank g-d. What a mess that would have been.
November 1997~
I almost cry just thinking his name. Josh Dehne. G-d emotions just fly over me when I think about Josh. My stomach gets tight and I get that queasy, but good, feeling. In the grand scheme of things Josh was by no means my biggest heart breaker, but he was definitely the first one to do it on such a large scale. I met Josh, who lived an hour away in Illinois at the time, through a friend I went to high school with. I spent the weekends at her house and Josh and I got to be very close. When Lisa, my friend, moved into St Louis I was heartbroken. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to see Josh anymore. My mother decided to let me stay at his house on the weekends. She would drive me out there on Friday after school and his father would drive me home on Sunday evening. Well things got interesting staying with him that much.
I was very comfortable and close to his family. We got along well and I felt like I belonged when I was there. He made me laugh like no one really has been able to since. He made me feel like someone really cared about me, not because of how I looked or anything, but because he loved who I was. That meant more to me than anything in the world then.
There are a few incidents I vividly remember but for the sake of a PG rating I will tell a tamer one. He got me drunk for the first time ever. We went to a friend’s house and started to drink Brass Monkey. I didn’t know what it was I just knew it tasted awful and it was better the faster I drank it. Unfortunately the faster I drank the more drunk I became. I became belligerent and demanded a sandwich. He walked all the way to the gas station and bought me a sandwich and some condoms…oh how he tried. I thanked him for the sandwich, shook it vigorously to try to figure out what kind it was, and then threw the pieces around the room as I pulled out the meat and cheese and devoured only those few pieces. Josh gave me the oddest look, but I’m sure I deserved much more after that episode. I laugh when writing that because it was funny to me afterward remembering and funny now not only remembering but also realizing what he put up with from me and how loving he was about it all.
Josh had dropped out of school and joined LCP, Lincoln Challenge Program, a program for teens in Illinois. He did remarkably well in the program. He was gone for quite awhile and I missed him everyday. We wrote often and kept in touch. I drove all the way to Springfield with his family to see him graduate and I was so proud of him. I am not even sure where everything went wrong. Maybe we fought, maybe we just stopped talking. All I remember was that my heart was truly broken for the first time. Now as I have with many of the people I was extremely attached to I go back to those I loved. After he got out of the military I saw him a few times. I actually drove down to Oklahoma to see him and spend a few days. That was the first time I slept with him and such a huge mistake. I thought it would make everything better and maybe heal the hole he had created and it didn’t. I left early because I couldn’t stand seeing him anymore. As I got older I called him periodically and kept in touch. Last summer, 2003, I was in Vegas where he now lives.
May 1999~
The one who got away. I don’t even know if I can say, or write, his name. Ok, Phillip Kogan. Lord, oh lord. This boy caused me more trouble than I can fit in a blog. We went to elementary school together and had serious crushes on each other. When we got a little older we got back in touch, actually a month before my 16th birthday. This was as fast and as hard as I have ever gone for someone and it ended faster and harder than any relationship ever has with me. It was my fault and I will blame myself till the day I die for it. But I guess I am getting ahead of myself here.
I always thought he was the one I had lost my virginity to. Unfortunately I later found out, about 16 months ago actually, that it was in fact not him. Wow, talk about your shocker. I think I wanted it to be him and convinced myself it was him so that the pedestal I put him on had reason. I was head over heels in love with him. I quickly found out what jealousy and anger really were and became so obsessive over who he was with and why. We went to different schools but besides that we were together every minute of everyday. I stayed at his house or at his sisters with him and he stayed at my house often. We were damn near inseparable. Everything was done together and we really loved each other. We truly thought we would get married and stay together forever. It was a fairy tale romance and I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. Sometimes I still cant. My mother won’t let me live it down.
I went into a severe depression and I don’t even know where it came form. Maybe somewhere deep down I knew I wanted other things for myself, I knew I hadn’t lived all I wanted and experienced all I wanted. I wish I hadn’t, I wish had stayed where I was. My mother hospitalized me for my safety and while I was there I tried so hard to push him away. I was testing the strength of our relationship but it backfired so badly. He found someone else while I was gone. I told him to go out with her and see what it was like. He liked her a lot a wound up staying with her. I got so angry and so jealous. I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I became obsessive to the point where there were laws against my actions. I tried to stay in his life through his sister and things became worse. Finally, after a year of going crazy and completely out of my mind (including leaving my mothers house and becoming the promiscuous person I was) I decided I need a life change and enlisted in the military to get away from everything.
To this day I think of him often, very often. There are many things that remind me of him. I daydream about him and dream about him in my sleep. Other women have told me that this will likely happen for a while. He was my everything and I fucked it up and really had no closure. I still dream about seeing him and what it would be like. Would he forgive me for everything? Could we be friends? Could we be more? Sometimes I think I would give everything I have today to be with him again. Other times I think I am crazy to even imagine it. All I know is this man will stay a part of me until I finally give in. I am not ready to give in yet.
October 2000~
R.A.W. That’s what the tattoo on my hip says. Robert Adrian Woodward. Oh how my heart aches for him. Yes, still to this day. And the fact that I spoke to him recently probably doesn’t help. But again I am getting ahead of myself. So, I enlisted to get away from Phillip and ran right into Robby. We met while waiting to go to our company for basic training. I think we both needed someone and we found that in each other.
We were hoping we would be in the same platoon so that we could see each other often. We weren’t. I should have taken that as a sign. Instead we talked as often as we could, which wasn’t very often. He came to the Jewish services on Fridays just so he could sit by me and talk to me. We traded notes and letters, all of which I still have, and got caught often. We were both given warnings, and then Article 15’s (a much more serious reprimand) and Company Grade Article 15’s and oh lord it was a mess. We enjoyed having extra duty together though. As punishment in the beginning they made us work in our free time around the outside of the barracks. Well duh, there is no one to watch you out there. We talked and played and enjoyed each other’s company. Someone started a rumor that we had sex behind the dumpster and we were watched closer after that. I’m sorry but behind a dumpster??? No, no, no, on the third floor where the rooms were empty between the wall, lockers, and bunks thank you. J Not a dumpster, EW.
One I will never forget. We were sitting on the stairs in our barracks talking. A very very very serious no-no. His drill sergeant came into the stairwell and he jumped up and so did I. The drill sergeant said as you were and Robby began to fly up the stairs as I ran for my room. All of a sudden it clicked in his mind (he was new at not so quick usually) what he had seen. As we were both called back we knew it was going to be a bad day. Do you know what muscle failure is? If you don’t, you don’t want to know. They had me doing exercises called Stationary Iron Mikes. A couple thousand of them. I was outside of one door to the office and Robby was outside the other door, catty corner so we couldn’t see each other but heard each other through the hell we were put and the screaming of the drill sergeants. My drill sergeant decided it was enough for me and asked me to come upstairs to his office. I had to go by Robby to get there and was told not to even look at him. I did and I mouthed the words “I love you” as I walked by. Drill Sergeant Edwards saw but didn’t say anything he just told me to hurry up. Going up the stairs was horrific. I thought my legs would melt into the steps by the time I got to the third floor. We ‘chatted’ and he told me to stay in his office until formation. When they started yelling for formation I got up and headed for the stairs. I fell down an entire floor of stairs because my legs couldn’t hold me anymore. It was the worst physical pain I had ever been in. Apparently I didn’t care because that little incident I reported earlier, about the empty third floors rooms, yeah that was just a week later. Unfortunately that was the only time I was able to be that close to him for any amount of time.
I was shortly flushed from the Army system and sent home. Because we had talked so much about getting married and living together wherever he was stationed I came home and had his initials tattooed on my right hip. I planned on joining him in Alabama when he went to his training. I got down there and lived with the Green’s for a few weeks and found he was staying in Texas for training and not coming to Alabama at all. He quit writing and calling and I felt like crap. My friends said it was ok and I could always explain the tattoo as if I was an over zealous cheerleader who couldn’t spell. (RAW as opposed to RAH!!) That didn’t help.
For four years I have been searching for him. I found him this week. We talked for an hour and said we would speak again later in the week. We haven’t. I don’t think I really expected him to call like he said he would. We both have missed each other, he was very happy to get to talk to me again and we talked about how much we regretted the decisions we made about our relationship and leaving each other. Apparently he has been in Germany, Korea, and other places with the Army. He got married and has a kid. Wow that could have been me. But now they are supposedly separated as he is living with his family again in Mississippi. I wanted him to come to Saint Louis just so I could see him again. I want to know if there is anything there or if I just miss that time and part of my life and use him to cling to it. I hope I do get to see him. It seems that every time I get to see someone I still seem to have feelings for after missing them for awhile I get over them more than had I not seen them. Maybe then I can move on from that part of my life. Maybe I can stay in that part of my life. I just want to know for sure. What is that they say…relationships formed in stressful environments never last? Well, I want to see if they are truly right.
Every day of my life~ He really doesn’t have a time frame for me. We met when I was in the seventh grade. The mighty eighth grader enamored me and oh goodness he was so cute and those lips…delicious. Mr. Joseph Abrams, come on down. Somewhere in the back of my mind I still hold out hope. I can’t even put into words the relationship we have. It is truly … one of a kind. At least for me it is, I am sure everyone has his or her Joey. And mine is so good. I love Joey in a way I really have never loved anyone before. It is on a totally different plane of being. Sometimes that makes me wonder if I really love him the way I think I do.
Joey lived in Saint Louis for only a year I believe and at that time it was just an older guy I was really into. He moved back to Atlanta with the other half of his family and finished high school there and is now going to UGA. The majority of the time I spend with Joey is on holiday breaks and summer time. I think I have spent less time with him than anyone I have been in a relationship with but I feel so much more connected to him than anyone I have ever been with.
I remember one time he was in town; it would have to have been in the summer time and definitely before Phillip but after Josh. He came in his dad’s car and we went out. I actually can not remember how long we had really been talking to each other and going out. I think maybe he just called me one day and we went to a movie and hung out. We have some friends in common, maybe it was through them. Anyway, we went out. He said he didn’t want me to leave yet; it was around 10:30. I told him to wait outside down the street with his lights off and I’d be right back. I went in kissed my mother good night and locked my bedroom door. I then went directly out my bedroom window (which was used often after this as an escape route) to his car. We drove around a little still talking. He told me how he noticed me when I was in seventh grade and thought I was so cute. I thought he was just trying to get laid. Eventually we parked and were getting pretty serious. I told him no I didn’t want to sleep with him. He asked if I was a virgin and I lied and said no, I wasn’t afraid but it was that time of the month, another lie. He backed off and we drove around talking some more. I didn’t get in until after 2 in the morning. A few years later we were talking about sex, as we often comfortably do, and he asked when I lost my virginity. I told him it was with Phillip (as this is what I still believed at that time). He got angry. He knew that night we were in the car was before Phillip. He never really did like Phillip anyway so I don’t think that helped. “So,” he asked me, “we could have slept together and lost our virginity to each other and the a perfect and special night but you didn’t why?” The way he said it broke my heart. He said he would have rather lost his virginity to me than the person he would up sleeping with. It would have been better, much more special he said. I admitted I had been afraid and he let it go. We haven’t talked about it since, and this was many years ago, but I still remember. He had wanted to lose his virginity to me and mine to him and was actually ‘upset’ about it years after the incident happened. The fact that he remembered what happened that night shocked me. This is just one example of Joey and how he touches my heart and doesn’t even realize it.
When he isn’t in Africa or Alaska or wherever he goes this summer or winter break he still comes back to Saint Louis to see him family. We used to have this unspoken rule that if one of us was in a relationship when he came in it was like it wasn’t there. We kept to ourselves and spent as much time together as we could but it became increasingly difficult for me to sleep with him while in a relationship so we ended that about a year and a half ago. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him though. I miss him terribly, just lying in his arms and feeling so safe and cared for.
So that those I am in a relationship with don’t freak out I explain it as if he was an older brother. I think I get that analogy from the safety and caring I feel around him, much like when I am with my brother. But there is so much more to it than that. We still talk about being together. He agreed that if he moved to Saint Louis we could try it, if we weren’t previously entangled with someone. It may be awhile before he gets up here if he ever does, so I don’t know how I will feel about it when it happens. We both agree we would probably kill each other and it would never last, but we have both endured a lot together. We talk often and keep current in the others life, well as much as we can. And we still love each other. He tells me how cute I am when I tell him how often I think of him and how I miss him. I know he still loves me, he has told me, but I am not entirely sure he loves me the way I love him and that breaks my heart everyday.
Ok, now for those of you who have stuck through this and read it all congratulations. David, if you have stayed with me and read this please be assured that none of this takes away how I feel about you. I love you very much, and maybe someday I can add you to this list J Just joking. The thoughts and dreams I have about other people are normal and healthy, and while usually private not so here. This is who I am and all of these people have helped me become the person I am today, the person you love. I know and respect the boundaries of a relationship…ahem…and would not do anything to jeopardize ours. I know you are terribly worried about Joey and maybe even now Robby but they are no more a threat to you than you are to yourself.
Being able to write all of this down and articulate my feelings was a wonderful type of therapy. I now know that although these people will always mean something more to me than most, that is all they likely will ever be, someone that matters to me.
I was beginning a double lay page the other day when I was struck with an idea. I would make one page be all the major heartbreaks I have had in my life and the other more minor heartbreaks. Let's just say the pagers are crammed with pictures. I had my time of being, well, easy in high school and may have slept with quite a few people but when it came to relationships that were serious there were barely a dozen. Most of my relationships were fast and hard and crashed the same way. I easily become attached to guys I am with but these are special ones, ones that really took a piece with them when they left and that I will never forget.
I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss some of these people and perhaps give you a little insight into my life. The pictures in my scrapbook are dated, some by when the photo was taken and others by the date when my heart was broken. I will try to get some of them up so you can see who I am talking about. I will start with what I consider my major heartbreakers. Lord I pray my mother never reads this. David I know you will read this so just read it all the way through before you get angry. Maybe you will get a little insight into who I am and why I am the way I am.
May 1996~ Shawn Moody. This picture was taken at my graduation from 8th grade. Wow, that name brings back soooo many memories. When I first moved into my home in West County with my mom I met Shawn. A year older than me and such a stud. Well I thought so. The thought is almost laughable now. He was the same as me, an insecure, moody, reckless teenager. We were at first just friends as we met when I was eleven. I had a puppy crush on him and played with my dolls and named one Danielle Moody. I wanted him to like me as much as I did him but I thought that would never happen. As we started to get older and his hormones kicked in it became much different. As I look back now I see there was a lot of manipulation on his part, but apparently that’s normal for hormonal teenage boys. Nothing serious happened, just a lot of heavy petting and making out. Unfortunately I did sleep with him a few years later because I thought I was still so in love with him and life would be grand. I quickly found out he wasn't nearly as great as I thought he might be and gave up on the dream of little children running around our house. Thank g-d. What a mess that would have been.
November 1997~
I almost cry just thinking his name. Josh Dehne. G-d emotions just fly over me when I think about Josh. My stomach gets tight and I get that queasy, but good, feeling. In the grand scheme of things Josh was by no means my biggest heart breaker, but he was definitely the first one to do it on such a large scale. I met Josh, who lived an hour away in Illinois at the time, through a friend I went to high school with. I spent the weekends at her house and Josh and I got to be very close. When Lisa, my friend, moved into St Louis I was heartbroken. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to see Josh anymore. My mother decided to let me stay at his house on the weekends. She would drive me out there on Friday after school and his father would drive me home on Sunday evening. Well things got interesting staying with him that much.
I was very comfortable and close to his family. We got along well and I felt like I belonged when I was there. He made me laugh like no one really has been able to since. He made me feel like someone really cared about me, not because of how I looked or anything, but because he loved who I was. That meant more to me than anything in the world then.
There are a few incidents I vividly remember but for the sake of a PG rating I will tell a tamer one. He got me drunk for the first time ever. We went to a friend’s house and started to drink Brass Monkey. I didn’t know what it was I just knew it tasted awful and it was better the faster I drank it. Unfortunately the faster I drank the more drunk I became. I became belligerent and demanded a sandwich. He walked all the way to the gas station and bought me a sandwich and some condoms…oh how he tried. I thanked him for the sandwich, shook it vigorously to try to figure out what kind it was, and then threw the pieces around the room as I pulled out the meat and cheese and devoured only those few pieces. Josh gave me the oddest look, but I’m sure I deserved much more after that episode. I laugh when writing that because it was funny to me afterward remembering and funny now not only remembering but also realizing what he put up with from me and how loving he was about it all.
Josh had dropped out of school and joined LCP, Lincoln Challenge Program, a program for teens in Illinois. He did remarkably well in the program. He was gone for quite awhile and I missed him everyday. We wrote often and kept in touch. I drove all the way to Springfield with his family to see him graduate and I was so proud of him. I am not even sure where everything went wrong. Maybe we fought, maybe we just stopped talking. All I remember was that my heart was truly broken for the first time. Now as I have with many of the people I was extremely attached to I go back to those I loved. After he got out of the military I saw him a few times. I actually drove down to Oklahoma to see him and spend a few days. That was the first time I slept with him and such a huge mistake. I thought it would make everything better and maybe heal the hole he had created and it didn’t. I left early because I couldn’t stand seeing him anymore. As I got older I called him periodically and kept in touch. Last summer, 2003, I was in Vegas where he now lives.
May 1999~
The one who got away. I don’t even know if I can say, or write, his name. Ok, Phillip Kogan. Lord, oh lord. This boy caused me more trouble than I can fit in a blog. We went to elementary school together and had serious crushes on each other. When we got a little older we got back in touch, actually a month before my 16th birthday. This was as fast and as hard as I have ever gone for someone and it ended faster and harder than any relationship ever has with me. It was my fault and I will blame myself till the day I die for it. But I guess I am getting ahead of myself here.
I always thought he was the one I had lost my virginity to. Unfortunately I later found out, about 16 months ago actually, that it was in fact not him. Wow, talk about your shocker. I think I wanted it to be him and convinced myself it was him so that the pedestal I put him on had reason. I was head over heels in love with him. I quickly found out what jealousy and anger really were and became so obsessive over who he was with and why. We went to different schools but besides that we were together every minute of everyday. I stayed at his house or at his sisters with him and he stayed at my house often. We were damn near inseparable. Everything was done together and we really loved each other. We truly thought we would get married and stay together forever. It was a fairy tale romance and I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. Sometimes I still cant. My mother won’t let me live it down.
I went into a severe depression and I don’t even know where it came form. Maybe somewhere deep down I knew I wanted other things for myself, I knew I hadn’t lived all I wanted and experienced all I wanted. I wish I hadn’t, I wish had stayed where I was. My mother hospitalized me for my safety and while I was there I tried so hard to push him away. I was testing the strength of our relationship but it backfired so badly. He found someone else while I was gone. I told him to go out with her and see what it was like. He liked her a lot a wound up staying with her. I got so angry and so jealous. I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I became obsessive to the point where there were laws against my actions. I tried to stay in his life through his sister and things became worse. Finally, after a year of going crazy and completely out of my mind (including leaving my mothers house and becoming the promiscuous person I was) I decided I need a life change and enlisted in the military to get away from everything.
To this day I think of him often, very often. There are many things that remind me of him. I daydream about him and dream about him in my sleep. Other women have told me that this will likely happen for a while. He was my everything and I fucked it up and really had no closure. I still dream about seeing him and what it would be like. Would he forgive me for everything? Could we be friends? Could we be more? Sometimes I think I would give everything I have today to be with him again. Other times I think I am crazy to even imagine it. All I know is this man will stay a part of me until I finally give in. I am not ready to give in yet.
October 2000~
R.A.W. That’s what the tattoo on my hip says. Robert Adrian Woodward. Oh how my heart aches for him. Yes, still to this day. And the fact that I spoke to him recently probably doesn’t help. But again I am getting ahead of myself. So, I enlisted to get away from Phillip and ran right into Robby. We met while waiting to go to our company for basic training. I think we both needed someone and we found that in each other.
We were hoping we would be in the same platoon so that we could see each other often. We weren’t. I should have taken that as a sign. Instead we talked as often as we could, which wasn’t very often. He came to the Jewish services on Fridays just so he could sit by me and talk to me. We traded notes and letters, all of which I still have, and got caught often. We were both given warnings, and then Article 15’s (a much more serious reprimand) and Company Grade Article 15’s and oh lord it was a mess. We enjoyed having extra duty together though. As punishment in the beginning they made us work in our free time around the outside of the barracks. Well duh, there is no one to watch you out there. We talked and played and enjoyed each other’s company. Someone started a rumor that we had sex behind the dumpster and we were watched closer after that. I’m sorry but behind a dumpster??? No, no, no, on the third floor where the rooms were empty between the wall, lockers, and bunks thank you. J Not a dumpster, EW.
One I will never forget. We were sitting on the stairs in our barracks talking. A very very very serious no-no. His drill sergeant came into the stairwell and he jumped up and so did I. The drill sergeant said as you were and Robby began to fly up the stairs as I ran for my room. All of a sudden it clicked in his mind (he was new at not so quick usually) what he had seen. As we were both called back we knew it was going to be a bad day. Do you know what muscle failure is? If you don’t, you don’t want to know. They had me doing exercises called Stationary Iron Mikes. A couple thousand of them. I was outside of one door to the office and Robby was outside the other door, catty corner so we couldn’t see each other but heard each other through the hell we were put and the screaming of the drill sergeants. My drill sergeant decided it was enough for me and asked me to come upstairs to his office. I had to go by Robby to get there and was told not to even look at him. I did and I mouthed the words “I love you” as I walked by. Drill Sergeant Edwards saw but didn’t say anything he just told me to hurry up. Going up the stairs was horrific. I thought my legs would melt into the steps by the time I got to the third floor. We ‘chatted’ and he told me to stay in his office until formation. When they started yelling for formation I got up and headed for the stairs. I fell down an entire floor of stairs because my legs couldn’t hold me anymore. It was the worst physical pain I had ever been in. Apparently I didn’t care because that little incident I reported earlier, about the empty third floors rooms, yeah that was just a week later. Unfortunately that was the only time I was able to be that close to him for any amount of time.
I was shortly flushed from the Army system and sent home. Because we had talked so much about getting married and living together wherever he was stationed I came home and had his initials tattooed on my right hip. I planned on joining him in Alabama when he went to his training. I got down there and lived with the Green’s for a few weeks and found he was staying in Texas for training and not coming to Alabama at all. He quit writing and calling and I felt like crap. My friends said it was ok and I could always explain the tattoo as if I was an over zealous cheerleader who couldn’t spell. (RAW as opposed to RAH!!) That didn’t help.
For four years I have been searching for him. I found him this week. We talked for an hour and said we would speak again later in the week. We haven’t. I don’t think I really expected him to call like he said he would. We both have missed each other, he was very happy to get to talk to me again and we talked about how much we regretted the decisions we made about our relationship and leaving each other. Apparently he has been in Germany, Korea, and other places with the Army. He got married and has a kid. Wow that could have been me. But now they are supposedly separated as he is living with his family again in Mississippi. I wanted him to come to Saint Louis just so I could see him again. I want to know if there is anything there or if I just miss that time and part of my life and use him to cling to it. I hope I do get to see him. It seems that every time I get to see someone I still seem to have feelings for after missing them for awhile I get over them more than had I not seen them. Maybe then I can move on from that part of my life. Maybe I can stay in that part of my life. I just want to know for sure. What is that they say…relationships formed in stressful environments never last? Well, I want to see if they are truly right.
Every day of my life~ He really doesn’t have a time frame for me. We met when I was in the seventh grade. The mighty eighth grader enamored me and oh goodness he was so cute and those lips…delicious. Mr. Joseph Abrams, come on down. Somewhere in the back of my mind I still hold out hope. I can’t even put into words the relationship we have. It is truly … one of a kind. At least for me it is, I am sure everyone has his or her Joey. And mine is so good. I love Joey in a way I really have never loved anyone before. It is on a totally different plane of being. Sometimes that makes me wonder if I really love him the way I think I do.
Joey lived in Saint Louis for only a year I believe and at that time it was just an older guy I was really into. He moved back to Atlanta with the other half of his family and finished high school there and is now going to UGA. The majority of the time I spend with Joey is on holiday breaks and summer time. I think I have spent less time with him than anyone I have been in a relationship with but I feel so much more connected to him than anyone I have ever been with.
I remember one time he was in town; it would have to have been in the summer time and definitely before Phillip but after Josh. He came in his dad’s car and we went out. I actually can not remember how long we had really been talking to each other and going out. I think maybe he just called me one day and we went to a movie and hung out. We have some friends in common, maybe it was through them. Anyway, we went out. He said he didn’t want me to leave yet; it was around 10:30. I told him to wait outside down the street with his lights off and I’d be right back. I went in kissed my mother good night and locked my bedroom door. I then went directly out my bedroom window (which was used often after this as an escape route) to his car. We drove around a little still talking. He told me how he noticed me when I was in seventh grade and thought I was so cute. I thought he was just trying to get laid. Eventually we parked and were getting pretty serious. I told him no I didn’t want to sleep with him. He asked if I was a virgin and I lied and said no, I wasn’t afraid but it was that time of the month, another lie. He backed off and we drove around talking some more. I didn’t get in until after 2 in the morning. A few years later we were talking about sex, as we often comfortably do, and he asked when I lost my virginity. I told him it was with Phillip (as this is what I still believed at that time). He got angry. He knew that night we were in the car was before Phillip. He never really did like Phillip anyway so I don’t think that helped. “So,” he asked me, “we could have slept together and lost our virginity to each other and the a perfect and special night but you didn’t why?” The way he said it broke my heart. He said he would have rather lost his virginity to me than the person he would up sleeping with. It would have been better, much more special he said. I admitted I had been afraid and he let it go. We haven’t talked about it since, and this was many years ago, but I still remember. He had wanted to lose his virginity to me and mine to him and was actually ‘upset’ about it years after the incident happened. The fact that he remembered what happened that night shocked me. This is just one example of Joey and how he touches my heart and doesn’t even realize it.
When he isn’t in Africa or Alaska or wherever he goes this summer or winter break he still comes back to Saint Louis to see him family. We used to have this unspoken rule that if one of us was in a relationship when he came in it was like it wasn’t there. We kept to ourselves and spent as much time together as we could but it became increasingly difficult for me to sleep with him while in a relationship so we ended that about a year and a half ago. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him though. I miss him terribly, just lying in his arms and feeling so safe and cared for.
So that those I am in a relationship with don’t freak out I explain it as if he was an older brother. I think I get that analogy from the safety and caring I feel around him, much like when I am with my brother. But there is so much more to it than that. We still talk about being together. He agreed that if he moved to Saint Louis we could try it, if we weren’t previously entangled with someone. It may be awhile before he gets up here if he ever does, so I don’t know how I will feel about it when it happens. We both agree we would probably kill each other and it would never last, but we have both endured a lot together. We talk often and keep current in the others life, well as much as we can. And we still love each other. He tells me how cute I am when I tell him how often I think of him and how I miss him. I know he still loves me, he has told me, but I am not entirely sure he loves me the way I love him and that breaks my heart everyday.
Ok, now for those of you who have stuck through this and read it all congratulations. David, if you have stayed with me and read this please be assured that none of this takes away how I feel about you. I love you very much, and maybe someday I can add you to this list J Just joking. The thoughts and dreams I have about other people are normal and healthy, and while usually private not so here. This is who I am and all of these people have helped me become the person I am today, the person you love. I know and respect the boundaries of a relationship…ahem…and would not do anything to jeopardize ours. I know you are terribly worried about Joey and maybe even now Robby but they are no more a threat to you than you are to yourself.
Being able to write all of this down and articulate my feelings was a wonderful type of therapy. I now know that although these people will always mean something more to me than most, that is all they likely will ever be, someone that matters to me.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
The death of a house
My house has died, I am almost sure of it. It used to be filled with laughter and singing and scolding and crying and little feet running around. Now it's quiet, now it's dead.
At one point in time it was not uncommon to have two children running around the house driving me insane. My friend Kimberlee was staying with me, for lack of other arrangements, with her three year old Lucas. David's daughter also spent weekends, every other usually, here playing with Lucas. They had been friends before they could walk and still are. (Kimberlee is actually the reason I met David, but that's another story.) And now due to circumstances out of my control my home is child free.
They used to chase each other and screech and yell. One of their favorite things to do was to flip over the back of my couch, or the side and slam into the wall. It drove me insane! They were never ending fountains of energy that tested my patience. Now I would give anything to have them here running around. I miss them so much. The silence is deafening.
-This is not part of my house dying....or is it. Simply for your understanding.
I met Kim in high school and we were friends for the last few years. During our senior year she became pregnant. Nine months later Lucas Gabriel came into this world. He was so small and delicate. I missed his birth and the first few weeks but after that I made sure I was around. After all, I was Aunt Danielle, I had a duty now.
I was there when he began to crawl and as he slowly began to walk. I was there during his horrible ear infections, which caused him to speak later than usual. But I was there we he began talking and it was like music, beautiful nonsense words expressing his big emotions. I was there as his mother got married, and then separated, and through all the hell that ensued. I was his first crush, oh how he loved his Aunt Danielle. I was excited for him as he finally began going to 'school' and making friends. I heard his first, and second, and third......words he really shouldn't be saying. I have watched him grow and play, running and climbing and falling and being a boy. I was with him when he had to go to the hospital. I felt his pain as he experienced his first real IV and I held him down as he got x-rays. (No small feat I might add!)
Now he is on the other side of the state out of my world, leaving a hole where his hugs and kisses used to be. Of course I call him occasionally, but it is difficult for me to talk to him and not be able to see him. He knows my voice when I talk to him, I don't even have to tell him who's calling. He is always excited to tell me how he is doing in school and what he is having for dinner. And as much as I miss him I know that he is better off now than he has been in his life. He lives with Grandma Robin and he couldn't be happier.
His mother and I don't really talk anymore. I guess you could say it was creative differences. She was creative in telling the truth, and I just told the truth. He wasn't in a good situation. Kim was bouncing between men and therefore men were bouncing in and out of Lucas' life. He ate McDonalds for lunch and dinner practically every day. He was awake and running around the house as she slept during the day. He lived in a filthy apartment which she refused to clean. Kim always said 'You try having a three year old, working midnights, and then cleaning!'. I never told her what I really thought because if I pissed her off I feared losing Lucas. How many mothers go it alone and manage to keep their house clean and bills paid? Thousand, millions I bet. While I never doubted her love for her child I doubted her senses as a mother. When married she took excellent care of him and made sure he had the best he could have. Unfortunately when she left her husband that changed.
She seemed much more focused on living her life and her happiness. I honestly believe she was trying to live out her teenage years she had missed. Going out as often as she could and making comments about 'acting her age'. I'm sorry but regardless how old she is she is ALWAYS first and foremost a mother. When she decided to have a child she gave up her right to go out often and drink and whatever else it was she was doing. Trying to get her to find a job and keep it was like pulling teeth from a ninety year old man, almost impossible. If you can sense my anger you are correct. She has frustrated me more than any person I know, and that is saying quite a bit. Oddly enough though it is not her decisions that upset me the most, I could really care less what she does to her life. I was much more concerned about Lucas. When he began 'escaping' and walking down a major road to go to the dollar store while she was asleep, that infuriated me. There are many other examples I could give but won't. I think that one strikes the general idea home quite clearly.
I love that boy more than anything. I feel like a second mother to him in a way. I have always had his best interest in mind and that will be all I am ever concerned with. Now Kimberlee has decided after living with her mother for a short time she will save enough money and come back to St. Louis. She will come back with no place to live (she certainly won't be coming back here, but Lucas is more than welcome), no job, no money, no ambition to do anything. All she has is a boyfriend that lives with his father, makes $80 a week, and she believes she is so in love with. Isn't that how it's been with all of these different guys? Oh, no, that's right, some of them were just for fun. I am terrified that Lucas will wind up hurt more than anyone in this. He is terrified that his mother will take him out of his Grandmothers house, evidenced by his reactions when her boyfriend comes to visit, he thinks he has to leave.
By far the best place for this little boy to be is with his Grandma Robin. Unfortunately Kimberlee refuses to see that and sees it only as someone trying to take her baby away. If she was truly concerned about his well being and future she would leave him until she got her shit in order, but then without any kind of ambition or drive, I don't know how long that would take.
So now my house is empty and hollow. No munchkins running around giving me headaches, now they are absent and giving me heartaches. I never believed that I would miss them causing havoc in my house, but I do. I would give anything to have them here again.
At one point in time it was not uncommon to have two children running around the house driving me insane. My friend Kimberlee was staying with me, for lack of other arrangements, with her three year old Lucas. David's daughter also spent weekends, every other usually, here playing with Lucas. They had been friends before they could walk and still are. (Kimberlee is actually the reason I met David, but that's another story.) And now due to circumstances out of my control my home is child free.
They used to chase each other and screech and yell. One of their favorite things to do was to flip over the back of my couch, or the side and slam into the wall. It drove me insane! They were never ending fountains of energy that tested my patience. Now I would give anything to have them here running around. I miss them so much. The silence is deafening.
-This is not part of my house dying....or is it. Simply for your understanding.
I met Kim in high school and we were friends for the last few years. During our senior year she became pregnant. Nine months later Lucas Gabriel came into this world. He was so small and delicate. I missed his birth and the first few weeks but after that I made sure I was around. After all, I was Aunt Danielle, I had a duty now.
I was there when he began to crawl and as he slowly began to walk. I was there during his horrible ear infections, which caused him to speak later than usual. But I was there we he began talking and it was like music, beautiful nonsense words expressing his big emotions. I was there as his mother got married, and then separated, and through all the hell that ensued. I was his first crush, oh how he loved his Aunt Danielle. I was excited for him as he finally began going to 'school' and making friends. I heard his first, and second, and third......words he really shouldn't be saying. I have watched him grow and play, running and climbing and falling and being a boy. I was with him when he had to go to the hospital. I felt his pain as he experienced his first real IV and I held him down as he got x-rays. (No small feat I might add!)
Now he is on the other side of the state out of my world, leaving a hole where his hugs and kisses used to be. Of course I call him occasionally, but it is difficult for me to talk to him and not be able to see him. He knows my voice when I talk to him, I don't even have to tell him who's calling. He is always excited to tell me how he is doing in school and what he is having for dinner. And as much as I miss him I know that he is better off now than he has been in his life. He lives with Grandma Robin and he couldn't be happier.
His mother and I don't really talk anymore. I guess you could say it was creative differences. She was creative in telling the truth, and I just told the truth. He wasn't in a good situation. Kim was bouncing between men and therefore men were bouncing in and out of Lucas' life. He ate McDonalds for lunch and dinner practically every day. He was awake and running around the house as she slept during the day. He lived in a filthy apartment which she refused to clean. Kim always said 'You try having a three year old, working midnights, and then cleaning!'. I never told her what I really thought because if I pissed her off I feared losing Lucas. How many mothers go it alone and manage to keep their house clean and bills paid? Thousand, millions I bet. While I never doubted her love for her child I doubted her senses as a mother. When married she took excellent care of him and made sure he had the best he could have. Unfortunately when she left her husband that changed.
She seemed much more focused on living her life and her happiness. I honestly believe she was trying to live out her teenage years she had missed. Going out as often as she could and making comments about 'acting her age'. I'm sorry but regardless how old she is she is ALWAYS first and foremost a mother. When she decided to have a child she gave up her right to go out often and drink and whatever else it was she was doing. Trying to get her to find a job and keep it was like pulling teeth from a ninety year old man, almost impossible. If you can sense my anger you are correct. She has frustrated me more than any person I know, and that is saying quite a bit. Oddly enough though it is not her decisions that upset me the most, I could really care less what she does to her life. I was much more concerned about Lucas. When he began 'escaping' and walking down a major road to go to the dollar store while she was asleep, that infuriated me. There are many other examples I could give but won't. I think that one strikes the general idea home quite clearly.
I love that boy more than anything. I feel like a second mother to him in a way. I have always had his best interest in mind and that will be all I am ever concerned with. Now Kimberlee has decided after living with her mother for a short time she will save enough money and come back to St. Louis. She will come back with no place to live (she certainly won't be coming back here, but Lucas is more than welcome), no job, no money, no ambition to do anything. All she has is a boyfriend that lives with his father, makes $80 a week, and she believes she is so in love with. Isn't that how it's been with all of these different guys? Oh, no, that's right, some of them were just for fun. I am terrified that Lucas will wind up hurt more than anyone in this. He is terrified that his mother will take him out of his Grandmothers house, evidenced by his reactions when her boyfriend comes to visit, he thinks he has to leave.
By far the best place for this little boy to be is with his Grandma Robin. Unfortunately Kimberlee refuses to see that and sees it only as someone trying to take her baby away. If she was truly concerned about his well being and future she would leave him until she got her shit in order, but then without any kind of ambition or drive, I don't know how long that would take.
So now my house is empty and hollow. No munchkins running around giving me headaches, now they are absent and giving me heartaches. I never believed that I would miss them causing havoc in my house, but I do. I would give anything to have them here again.
Monday, August 23, 2004
For the sake of education
Education: e-j&-'kA-sh&n -noun- 1:the action or process of educating or of being educated; also : a stage of such a process (Ok first, aren't you not supposed to use the word you are defining in the definition? Way to go Merriam-Webster!!) 2: the field of study that deals mainly with methods of teaching and learning in schools.
Ok, so now we know the definition. Yay. But really what is education? It's ridiculous, that's what it is. It is torture!
I attend the University of Missouri, read Misery. I am always excited when the beginning of a semester comes around. I am an Elementary Education major and I plan on spending the rest of my life in a classroom. I HAVE to be excited about the beginning of a semester. But I really do love to learn..um..about learning. Ok, this sounds so lame when I write it, but I do. It is absolutely intriguing to me to learn about how children develop and learn. And seeing as how it is not a science there are so many theories and schools of thought to learn about. Ok, this is not my point, I'm rambling and I will stop.
So, education. It is a series of schools (elementary, middle, high, and college) to which you must attend and live up to someone else’s idea of good. Uch! Someone else’s idea of passing, someone else’s idea of accomplishment.
Ok, so this is bad, no coherent thoughts, nothing. I am trying to watch television and write about this. So, a summary of my original thoughts.
I have only three classes, my thought was this would make the semester easier. Ha Ha HaHaHa HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ok, so a PE class, easy right? Yeah right. I don't like the idea of standing in front of 20 strangers and trying to teach them, that's why I signed up to teach elementary school! And Junior English should be a punishment for convicts. I love to write and that is just too much. And music....well well well. I never knew I was gonna have to sing in a classroom again.
So, there are my thoughts, scrambled and raw as they come. More to come I suppose.
Ok, so now we know the definition. Yay. But really what is education? It's ridiculous, that's what it is. It is torture!
I attend the University of Missouri, read Misery. I am always excited when the beginning of a semester comes around. I am an Elementary Education major and I plan on spending the rest of my life in a classroom. I HAVE to be excited about the beginning of a semester. But I really do love to learn..um..about learning. Ok, this sounds so lame when I write it, but I do. It is absolutely intriguing to me to learn about how children develop and learn. And seeing as how it is not a science there are so many theories and schools of thought to learn about. Ok, this is not my point, I'm rambling and I will stop.
So, education. It is a series of schools (elementary, middle, high, and college) to which you must attend and live up to someone else’s idea of good. Uch! Someone else’s idea of passing, someone else’s idea of accomplishment.
Ok, so this is bad, no coherent thoughts, nothing. I am trying to watch television and write about this. So, a summary of my original thoughts.
I have only three classes, my thought was this would make the semester easier. Ha Ha HaHaHa HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ok, so a PE class, easy right? Yeah right. I don't like the idea of standing in front of 20 strangers and trying to teach them, that's why I signed up to teach elementary school! And Junior English should be a punishment for convicts. I love to write and that is just too much. And music....well well well. I never knew I was gonna have to sing in a classroom again.
So, there are my thoughts, scrambled and raw as they come. More to come I suppose.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Is it ever going to end?
Do you ever feel G-d has pointed his finger at you and laughed? Well...I do, sometimes anyway. The topic of G-d is so difficult to get into, along with 'Does s/he have a finger?' and 'Can s/he laugh?'. Well I believe there is a G-d and He is pointing and laughing right now.
So, as if having someone, a staple of your everyday life, leave isn't enough, I have to hate him too. Well, I don't have to hate him I choose to hate him, it's easier for me. When someone does something super shady with an 'old friend' and tries to lie about it the situation doesn't make for happy feelings. I can forgive, maybe, but there will be no forgetting, and that's the problem. I can't forget, therefore I can't fully forgive. Damn this awful circle I am stuck in! I want with every part of me to believe in the so called innocence of the episode, but knowing David as well as I know him I doubt there was any innocence. But I wasn't there. Thank G-d because I would be in jail for a double murder.
But the larger problem comes in the revealing of the lie or lies if you want to be more specific. When confronted with the situation I was given only more lies, no big surprise there. And of course the obligatory 'I love you more than anything in the world and I never meant to hurt you and I'll never do it again'. Then the dreaded 'I'll do anything to make this up to you/ show you how much I care/ show you she meant nothing to me/ gain your trust back', any and all of the above fit there.
I have heard them all many times and they do absolutely nothing for me. I am frustrated! Can't he think of something better to say? Those lines are so worn out and so old that they mean nothing, nothing at all. So you love me, yeah? Why did you do it? You wanna show me you care, really? Why didn't you start about twenty minutes before she showed up? Why are you all of a sudden so concerned in how things look?
Frustration, Anger, Fear, Self-pity, Hatred, Severe Physical Illness, Headaches, Vomiting, Self-loathing, Uncontrolled screaming, Throwing of objects and general HYSTERIA!!!!! Confusion, Denial, Self-doubt, Disgust, Crying, Punching, more Screaming. EXTREME HATRED AND FEELINGS OF ILL WILL...which then lead to me feeling sorry for him. How the fuck did he manage that one? Good job David, I now find myself feeling sorry for you when you have wronged me.
And please don't tell me you want to marry me, not now, not after this. He has told me, emphatically, that he does not want to get married. Not out of one bad marriage and into a new one, not now. So why all of a sudden (or not so all of a sudden, only when trying to kiss some serious ass and make me feel better about the situation) does he want to get married? Of course, that's right, he's changed his mind. At that, what can he offer me? We are from two totally different backgrounds, religions, lifestyles, and mindsets. We argue on a regular basis about things that seem so nonsensical and routine to me but are so foreign and outrageous to him. Maybe opposites attract. But how can he support me, and any children we may have? With no formal education, and no desire to do anything but work on trucks and cars the rest of his life, I don't see how that's possible. I have always envisioned myself with a husband that had a nine to five. Mildly successful at whatever he does, but educated and someone I can have a good, solid debate with on important and current topics. As much as I love David, that is just not him.
So, my question then becomes...is it ever going to end? Can I ever truly love him and not remember this episode? Him leaving me to fight in this G-d forsaken war I told him not to go to. And on top of the fact that he left me, can I forgive this unforgivable action? I don't know, and I think that's what hurts me the most. I want to not think about it all, but I can not get images and sounds and thoughts imagined out of my head. I have this space in my heart that used to be filled with joy when I thought of David, now it is filled with doubt. That is an ugly feeling and not something I want to carry around for a year while he is gone.
So, do I take the blind leap of love and wait this out, missing a precious year of my life, and wait for him to come home and see then if everything works out. Or do I break his heart at the worst possible time, and break mine along with his, and end something that may never be, but may also be, everything I have ever dreamed of? This is what keeps me awake at nights, and what I dream about when I can sleep. This is why I cry myself to sleep. I am so confused, and so lost, and only I can make this decision. This most difficult decision I have made in my adult life, and likely the most important.
We never know what our futures hold and that's what frightens most of us about making decisions. Are we making the correct choice, will this be the best thing for us or will it turn out to be the worst? Unfortunately my history is littered with horrible choices. But lately I have been following my heart, allowing passion to choose which way I go. Amazingly enough it has gotten me well into college with a great future ahead of me, and had kept me relatively healthy and more importantly alive. So, the decision here will also be driven by passion, love, and hope. Because if we don't have these things in our lives, then why are we living?
So, as if having someone, a staple of your everyday life, leave isn't enough, I have to hate him too. Well, I don't have to hate him I choose to hate him, it's easier for me. When someone does something super shady with an 'old friend' and tries to lie about it the situation doesn't make for happy feelings. I can forgive, maybe, but there will be no forgetting, and that's the problem. I can't forget, therefore I can't fully forgive. Damn this awful circle I am stuck in! I want with every part of me to believe in the so called innocence of the episode, but knowing David as well as I know him I doubt there was any innocence. But I wasn't there. Thank G-d because I would be in jail for a double murder.
But the larger problem comes in the revealing of the lie or lies if you want to be more specific. When confronted with the situation I was given only more lies, no big surprise there. And of course the obligatory 'I love you more than anything in the world and I never meant to hurt you and I'll never do it again'. Then the dreaded 'I'll do anything to make this up to you/ show you how much I care/ show you she meant nothing to me/ gain your trust back', any and all of the above fit there.
I have heard them all many times and they do absolutely nothing for me. I am frustrated! Can't he think of something better to say? Those lines are so worn out and so old that they mean nothing, nothing at all. So you love me, yeah? Why did you do it? You wanna show me you care, really? Why didn't you start about twenty minutes before she showed up? Why are you all of a sudden so concerned in how things look?
Frustration, Anger, Fear, Self-pity, Hatred, Severe Physical Illness, Headaches, Vomiting, Self-loathing, Uncontrolled screaming, Throwing of objects and general HYSTERIA!!!!! Confusion, Denial, Self-doubt, Disgust, Crying, Punching, more Screaming. EXTREME HATRED AND FEELINGS OF ILL WILL...which then lead to me feeling sorry for him. How the fuck did he manage that one? Good job David, I now find myself feeling sorry for you when you have wronged me.
And please don't tell me you want to marry me, not now, not after this. He has told me, emphatically, that he does not want to get married. Not out of one bad marriage and into a new one, not now. So why all of a sudden (or not so all of a sudden, only when trying to kiss some serious ass and make me feel better about the situation) does he want to get married? Of course, that's right, he's changed his mind. At that, what can he offer me? We are from two totally different backgrounds, religions, lifestyles, and mindsets. We argue on a regular basis about things that seem so nonsensical and routine to me but are so foreign and outrageous to him. Maybe opposites attract. But how can he support me, and any children we may have? With no formal education, and no desire to do anything but work on trucks and cars the rest of his life, I don't see how that's possible. I have always envisioned myself with a husband that had a nine to five. Mildly successful at whatever he does, but educated and someone I can have a good, solid debate with on important and current topics. As much as I love David, that is just not him.
So, my question then becomes...is it ever going to end? Can I ever truly love him and not remember this episode? Him leaving me to fight in this G-d forsaken war I told him not to go to. And on top of the fact that he left me, can I forgive this unforgivable action? I don't know, and I think that's what hurts me the most. I want to not think about it all, but I can not get images and sounds and thoughts imagined out of my head. I have this space in my heart that used to be filled with joy when I thought of David, now it is filled with doubt. That is an ugly feeling and not something I want to carry around for a year while he is gone.
So, do I take the blind leap of love and wait this out, missing a precious year of my life, and wait for him to come home and see then if everything works out. Or do I break his heart at the worst possible time, and break mine along with his, and end something that may never be, but may also be, everything I have ever dreamed of? This is what keeps me awake at nights, and what I dream about when I can sleep. This is why I cry myself to sleep. I am so confused, and so lost, and only I can make this decision. This most difficult decision I have made in my adult life, and likely the most important.
We never know what our futures hold and that's what frightens most of us about making decisions. Are we making the correct choice, will this be the best thing for us or will it turn out to be the worst? Unfortunately my history is littered with horrible choices. But lately I have been following my heart, allowing passion to choose which way I go. Amazingly enough it has gotten me well into college with a great future ahead of me, and had kept me relatively healthy and more importantly alive. So, the decision here will also be driven by passion, love, and hope. Because if we don't have these things in our lives, then why are we living?
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Been Awhile....
It's been awhile since I wrote, shame on me. It's been a hard 2 weeks. David left on August 9. I was a mess before he left, but I was trying so hard not to let him see. I had to take him to Jefferson Barracks and he left to Jefferson City from there. We then drove the two hours to Jeff City on the 11th for his deployment ceremony. It was his brothers 22nd birthday. What a crappy birthday present, having your brother leave to go fight in a war like this mess we have now. He calls when he can, and brings drama into my life even though he is thousands of miles away in New Jersey right now. But thank G-d he is in New Jersey for now and not already in Iraq.
I miss him, badly. It is really difficult waking up everyday alone, not having someone to kick in the ass to go turn off the alarm clock. It's hard to wake up without him pulling on me and telling me he is leaving and I ABSOLUTELY must get out of bed or I'll be late. (I have learned a little self discipline since he has left but I'm still late to everything.) It is definitely hard to come home from work and open the door to my lonely dog, no David. It is increasingly difficult to sit in the evening watching the news programs highlighting stories of death and destruction in a place that he will soon be leaving for. It is impossible to explain to a dog that daddy loves her and will be coming back someday, but no matter how many times she jumps on his truck or barks at it, he will not be getting out of it any time soon. It is hardest to lie in bed at night and feel that void, that cold lonely bed that I used to share with someone and now have to keep warm and safe on my own.
I never imagined that I would have to give not one, but two people that I love dearly, to a war that I am so strongly against. Please do not read that wrong. I support our troops more than anyone I know, but I believe the government is wrong in the way they handled the situation, the reasoning behind it all, and for staying there. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, cliche but true. Ok, well I have a movie I want to watch. The Out-Of-Towners, it'll likely be horrible but it's worth a try.
I miss him, badly. It is really difficult waking up everyday alone, not having someone to kick in the ass to go turn off the alarm clock. It's hard to wake up without him pulling on me and telling me he is leaving and I ABSOLUTELY must get out of bed or I'll be late. (I have learned a little self discipline since he has left but I'm still late to everything.) It is definitely hard to come home from work and open the door to my lonely dog, no David. It is increasingly difficult to sit in the evening watching the news programs highlighting stories of death and destruction in a place that he will soon be leaving for. It is impossible to explain to a dog that daddy loves her and will be coming back someday, but no matter how many times she jumps on his truck or barks at it, he will not be getting out of it any time soon. It is hardest to lie in bed at night and feel that void, that cold lonely bed that I used to share with someone and now have to keep warm and safe on my own.
I never imagined that I would have to give not one, but two people that I love dearly, to a war that I am so strongly against. Please do not read that wrong. I support our troops more than anyone I know, but I believe the government is wrong in the way they handled the situation, the reasoning behind it all, and for staying there. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, cliche but true. Ok, well I have a movie I want to watch. The Out-Of-Towners, it'll likely be horrible but it's worth a try.
Sunday, August 01, 2004
This is my brother Jim Avery. He is actually in Qatar in this picture. After awhile they give the soldiers a day or two off and he was sent to Qatar. Not everyone gets time off, but he deals with explosives and they like to let them sleep :-) Anyway, here he lost some weight and is looking mighty pretty. This was late May, early June 2004.
Happy Birthday!!
So today I am 22. I guess after 21 it really is not that big of a deal when you have a birthday. Well, until I hit 30 or 50. As far as gifts go, I got breakfast in bed, steak dinner, and two t-shirts. One of them says "I want to be Barbie....the bitch has everything!!". That is so fitting for me :-) My brother sent me a gift. He is a Specialist in the United States Army and serving in Iraq. Actually he was in Baghdad for awhile but he is at a base near by now, thank goodness. Anyway, he sent a wooden box from Iraq and it is super beautiful. It isn't something I would ordinarily buy for myself but it did make a wonderful gift and it's super special seeing as how it's from him. I'll put a link below if you are interested at all in reading what he is writting about his experience. So, it's the end of the day. I have to drive to Jefferson City tomorrow, not looking forward to that. I am preparing to send my boyfriend over to Iraq also. Anyway, I'll try to write more tomorrow when I get home. TTFN.
http://callnewspapers.com/ If you go to this link, on the left side you can search articles. Type in Avery and highlight Authors. All of the columns he has written are there. So far there are only four but they are interesting. I will eventually put some newer pictures of him up. He has lost so much weight!!
http://callnewspapers.com/ If you go to this link, on the left side you can search articles. Type in Avery and highlight Authors. All of the columns he has written are there. So far there are only four but they are interesting. I will eventually put some newer pictures of him up. He has lost so much weight!!
Friday, July 30, 2004
My First Posting
So, I guess it all begins here. I have decided I am going to use this to 'chronicle' the next few months of my life. Maybe longer if this turns out how I'd like. I suppose I will look around and see what I can do with this site before I get to far into anything. Later :-)
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