Those damn men....

Well, two birds with one stone maybe. I went to see Robby last weekend because he was running away from Hurricane Ivan. This weekend I went down to Mississippi to see him. That was a mistake. The whole being with, near, around, in the general vicinity of him was just awful. Now I know how I really feel about him. I am beginning to wonder if I even loved him in the first place or if he became one big crutch.

But I had fun while down south. I went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico in Biloxi, MS which I do NOT recommend to anyone. Smells awful, well not when you are in it but wait till you get out. You smell like crap for days, still can't get that smell off of me. I also got to go to New Orleans. That was cool! Spent some time down in the French Quarter and walked all over Bourbon Street. There are some crazy ass people down there. It was a good time, regardless of the fact that Robby was there because he was being civil at the time, it wasn't until later that teeth were bared, oh and fists. I won't go into details for the sake of some of the people that are reading this but it was pretty bad. But I didn't let him ruin my trip, I enjoyed Mississippi as much as I could and would have no problem going back. I absolutely adore his family and his brother is pretty cool so I would definitely go visit again, but for more than a day or two seeing as how it's an eleven hour drive.

Ok, so I was in Mississippi. Middle of the night, like 11:30ish I am told there is a Tropical Storm coming our general direction. Oh really? Jeanne sucks. So to get away from that I had to either go home then or wait it out a day or two till the winds died down. I chose option C. I didn't want to stay there a few more days because I wanted to kill Robby and I had to leave before I was arrested. I also wasn't trying to drive eleven hours in the dark after spending the better part of the day drinking in New Orleans. So I didn't what any person would do. I called another one of 'those men'. Apparently Atlanta/Athens is only six hours from Biloxi, well the way I drive, and that is markedly shorter than eleven hours. So, at nearly five o'clock this morning I showed up at Joey's front door. I have never been to his place before. Oh he's home I'll edit this later and write more.

Ok, many hours later. I don't know what I expected coming here. I had just had an awful weekend and I guess maybe I thought he could/would make me feel better. Boy was I wrong. It seems to me that more and more I am beginning to see how I really feel about people that I have cared about for so long. Maybe in my mind if I keep caring about them then I think they have to keep caring about me. I don't know how that works or how that can at all be logical but perhaps that is part of my problem.

Anyway, now I'm in Atlanta. I always thought that Joey understood me, that he wasn't judgmental, and that he cared. Well, I know he used to, but I am pretty sure he doesn't anymore. All he has done today is call me out and tell me what horrible decisions I make and how I always get involved with crap guys, yadayada. I felt like shit and I wanted him to at least be semi-kind about it all and I felt like he was berating me. He made a comment about kids these days and when I looked at him and asked....Kids?, he explained it's not an age issue basically implying that he believes I am immature, and then he turns around and asks me flat out when I am going to be sexy again. Referring to the fact that I used to be skinny and beautiful and I felt like he was saying as long as you are a fat cow I don't care about you, when you get pretty again let me know. I am sure that is taken way out of context but that really hurt me and that's how I took it.

Joey really means a lot to me and what he thinks of me matters, and he has totally torn me down. I walked in the door and he didn't really even say hi but when my friend walked by, whom he has never met, he grabbed her hugged her and said sorry everyone gets a hug. When I did go to hug him he did the side thing and pushed me away. Then a few minutes later he tells me how hot my friend is and how she has a sexy little body. Not hi, I haven't seen you in a year, how are you, I know things aren't going well for you how are you holding up. Just hey your friends hot and don't worry I'll ask you later why you aren't pretty anymore. When he asked me later why I let men treat me the way that I do (and he said it sounding like he was just god's gift) I wanted to ask him why he treats me the way he does. For instance, I am sitting at his computer writing this while he took my friend out to some bar. She is underage, pregnant, and out drinking with the person I came to see. I want so badly to leave her ass here and say have fun getting home bitch. I am so mad at her too for this weekend. I guess I never really explained the situation and circumstances around the Robby thing.

So he was running away from Hurricane Ivan and I went to visit him while he was up north. That went relatively well. We argued, which apparently we seem to do really well from what I remember four years ago. We caught up the first day. A lot of it was him apologizing for what happened four years ago and telling me how sorry he was and how much he still loved me. Confusion, anger, so many emotions. I knew I shouldn't believe him, and I didn't really. He told me all the things a normal girl would want to hear but me being the skeptical person that I am I looked at everything he said closely. I caught him in quite a few lies just in those two days. He told me he wanted to come back to Missouri to change his life and be near me. I told him if he really wanted to he was welcome, I never turn anyone down, but he needed to wait about a month. He was stubborn and said no I'm gonna go get my paycheck and come up. The day I left there his mother said I should come down to Mississippi for Nikki and Robert's wedding (his sister and new brother-in-law). I agreed and Robby said he probably wouldn't have access to a phone over the week seeing as how he stays in New Orleans so just to come on down next weekend.

Friday, still no word from Robby. I spoke to his mom and she was surprised he hadn't called me but said if he hadn't she had no problem with me coming down. So I called Polina and asked if she wanted to go to Mississippi because I didn't want to drive alone and I knew her unemployed ass didn't have anything better to do. I was excited. Not only did I get to see Robby again but I was going to be at the Gulf and by New Orleans, this was about more than seeing him, it was the first road trip I had been on in a long time and I used to do it all the time. When I got down there I found out he had been kicked out of his mothers for basically being a lying little piece of shit. He went back to living with his 14 yr old, yes 14 yrs old and he's 21, girlfriend that does crystal meth and coke and all that crap. So no one knew exactly where he was. Notes and messages were left for him but they couldn't promise I would see him.

After losing my keys Polina and I decided to walk to get some food (everyone else was at the rehearsal dinner thing....I have never understood why people have to rehearse how to eat :-) )We got up to Checkers, which I understand is a Rally's for southern people, and Polina says 'hey isn't that his car?' as someone pulls out of the drive thru. I walked to the side of the parking lot screamed his name and sure enough it was him with Amber, the 14 yr old. We argued, I yelled, which apparently I am good at, or at least I do it often, and I didn't see him until the next day around 2ish when he came to the Yacht Club for the wedding to help set up. He apologized, again, for being an ass an said he wanted to talk later. Fine.

He cries at the wedding, wants to know why he can't be happy. He again apologizes for not staying with me and marrying me four years ago like he said he would. Ok, then he starts his I want to come to Missouri with you crap again. Oh lord here we go. All of this after I have talked to his family, learned more about him now, and at this point know that if he is looking at me and his mouth is moving he is lying. I tried to tell him what I thought he would want to hear to try to make the situation a little more bearable.

After much drinking and a lot of not arguing, finally, he got a little more physical than I would have ever liked. I don't think it will scar but while 'playing' as he put it he definitely took a chunk out of my knee by throwing my drunk ass onto the ground. After that everyone (all the brothers, sisters, and friends that were at the house that night) decided it was time to go to sleep.

In the morning Robby offered to take us to New Orleans. I later found out it was so that he could have an excuse to drink all day. I have noticed that if he doesn't have beer or alcohol or weed in his hand or body he is not happy. (VERY NOT COOL WITH ME!!!) So we went. He drank, a lot, and I drank because it was New Orleans. We talked some more and on the way back to his mom's house Amber called my cell phone. That was fun. He was still in his I am coming to Missouri mood at this point, then he started to reassure me over and over that he was coming. I kept telling him not to lie to me and he would get pissed off and throw a tantrum. Well, he had to go to her house to get his stuff and guess who called to say he couldn't come and he had to stay with his girl that he loved. hahahahaha. Sarcasm in that ha, laughing in that ha, pain in that ha.

Duh. I had been telling him I knew he wasn't going to come back with me. He then gets pissed yells screams, says I have been begging him to come back to Missouri with him and that I should have taken the hint when he didn't call me this week. A lot of bullshit that wasn't true. Basically it was for the benefit of Nikki and Robert who were standing there and Robert was getting ready to beat the living hell out of Robby for the shit he put me through this weekend. (I am writing the extremely shorthand version here, it goes on to no end almost)

So he made me feel like shit. He lied to me all weekend. While I knew he was lying and I kept telling myself he was lying there is always a part in me that wants to believe people, so I give in that little piece and then when I find out for sure that they have lied I am hurt because I wanted to believe. So yeah he hurt me this weekend. I wanted to do physical bodily harm to him. I thought I loved him four years ago,and maybe for a second when I saw him again, but now I know I never even knew this guy. And unfortunately, or maybe it is a fortunate thing, I have his initials forever on my body (done four years ago). Maybe that will serve as a reminder to me and a lesson, especially after all I just went through this tattoo on my body has taken on a whole new meaning for me. The heart symbolizes my love, that sometimes I give to guys too freely. His initials, while they are his and will always be and stand for the 'love' I had for him are now kind of symbolic in my mind of all the guys I have loved up to this point. And then two years ago when I tried to get it covered and blacked over, that is me trying to remove all of those men from my life. Amazingly enough it didn't cover well. You can still see the letters if you look hard enough, sort of like I can remember those men if I think about it and I can remember what I learned from those relationships that I am no longer in. As much as I want to cover that tattoo completely and get rid of it I can't. I don't know if it's because it's Robby and I think a part of him will always be a part of me, or if it is because it really does sort of represent all of my failed relationships to me. Maybe when I find the right person if they ask me to cover it I will. I am not ready or willing to yet.

So, I don't know if I have written this yet or not but David and I are over. I guess. I love him and I miss him so much and it really is hard not to be with him. But all I want to do is run away. I want to run away from him, I want to run away from my 'friends', from all the people around me, even my family. I don't want to be in school anymore, I want to be free to go where ever I want and leave the Robby's and Joey's of my life behind and move on to make more Robby's and Joey's for my future.

I am 22. I am an emotional wreck. I am more than likely depressed, at this point I couldn't even nail down what it is from (however I know it has to do with David and his leaving, lying, whatever) I feel hopeless most of the time and worthless the rest of the time. I can never do anything right by anyone, especially myself and no matter how hard I try I can't please anyone,even myself. Maybe I was wrong in pushing David away. He loved me for who I was then and there. But then again he wronged me so many times and so many ways. I am so confused. I am not sure what I am supposed to do anymore. I guess I'll just go to school, go to work, try to pay my bills, graduate from school and run away then. Sounds like a plan to me.