tequilla.....bad idea

It's hot. I'm in hell so I guess it;s only appropriate. I don;t know how you are suposed to react to someone saying they definately dnont want to be with you so i just decided tequilla was the answeer. i cant really see the words ont he creen, i thinkk my glasses would help but they just make my face heavy. so for all of yuo who read this, not so great day today. call me tomorrow please and make sure i am alive.

Grrrrrr

I guess I find comfort here. No one really wants to listen to me rant and rave. everyone says "oh, if you need help just call" but when I do they can't help. I just need someone here with me when she goes to sleep. She cries for hours, 3 tonight. And then I cry with her. I actually yelled at her tonight, and I felt horrible, and I cried more. I don't handle stress well, everyone that knows me well knows that. I get stomach problems (that's why I had an ulcer at 8) when I get stressed, and mine are horrible right now. I can't eat I am so nauseated. Hey, maybe I'll lose that baby weight. Oh, and I'm menstrual, that helps. I just- I'm so lost. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I still have yet to heaar from this self absorbed asshole. Do I file for divorce? Is that what I want? No, I want my husband back. Ah....that's not right either. I want the man I married back, not my husband because he is the psychotic freak that left me a week ago. I want the man I married back, I love him and I am holding on so tightly to him...not David now but David then I guess. I just feel like a failure. I feel unloved and unimportant. I feel like my daughter is unloved and unimportant and that makes it worse. Yeah I know you all love her, but her Daddy is supposed to love her, and apparently he doesn't, he has made that very clear.

I almost want him to be with another woman, it would make it easier for me to let him go. I really hope he doesn't come back and do the I love you I'm sorry crap because then I am the bad guy if I end it. When Sam gets older he can say I wanted to fix it but your mom said no and I am the one that tore a family apart when it's his fault. Well, for leaving anyway.

I know I bitch a lot, I know I am controlling, I know I have a tone, etc etc. It's not news to me. And it's not news to him, he knew coming into this what he was dealing with. I hatre to say it, but I am my mother. Aren't we all in the end? But I am. I look at myself, really look lately, and I see her staring back. So afraid to be hurt by anyone I push everyone away and isolate myself. I name call I berate I make other people feel like crap-well those I love anyway, the ones I care to spend the energy on- so that when they leave I can say I didn't like them anyway, or I never needed them. I thrive on chaos, but I am controlling because if it's gonna be messed up, it's gonna be messed up my way. I hate it beacuse I said everyday I didn't want to be her and now I am. Now it is my personal battle to ensure that I change. I know how hard it is to change yourself, especially since I have been this way for 24 years, but I have to change. I have a generally negative attitude about nearly everything. I can't stand to be around people I don't know, uch everything. I mean I have great qualities. (If my counselor could see what I am about to do she would be so proud for finding the positive)I am a very giving person, if someone needs help I am there to help. I am caring and i listen, ok yeah thats as far as i can go. Maybe she wouldnt be so proud, I only got two things, but you get the idea. I don't want to change everything, but there is a lot of work that needs to be done. I wish my husband were here to do it with me, but apparently I havent changed quickly enough for him.

ok, im done, im tired and i have to figure out how to do my homework for class before i pass out. i just need to rant. I am sure i will be doing a lot of that around here lately. thanks for reading....

So tonight has really sucked. As Samantha once again refuses to sleep I cry while she screams at me wondering why I am left to do this alone. I am tired of hearing everyone's consolations and the oh you are better off without him crap. No, I'm not. I'd be better if he were here helping me, if he were here being a good dad and husband. And on top of it all I really miss my mom. Regardless of my relationship with her I really need her right now. Not someone else's mommy, my mommy. The one that gives you a hug and tells you it will be all right and you know it will because your mommy said so. The one that tells you it doesn't matter because no one loves you more than her anyway and she will always love you. The one that tells you no one is good enough for you anyway (even if it were the president) and makes you feel like you are the world to her and that's all that matters. I miss my mommy. I miss sitting on the couch next to her when I watched Buffy (when I was much younger) because I was afraid of the vampires and she let me hide in her shirt and put her arm around me to make me feel safe. I need her arms around me now to make me feel safe and loved. I don't care if she yells and screams and calls me names and is mean and we argue, I need my mommy to tell me it will be ok. I want her to say see I told you he wasn't good enough for you but it will be ok because I am here and I will fix everything.

I read a book on motherloss awhile back and it talks about women whose mothers have died. Most of the women are older and have had a good long time with their mothers but it did talk about motherloss at a younger age too. The book talks about the cycle of a mother daughter relationship. The daughter is the little girl and adores her mother, then turns into the evil teen who hates her mother, then the indifferent 20something, and then when she becomes a mother she slowly begins to realize what being a mother is all about and reconnects with her mother on a totally different level. Well, my mom left somewhere between the hate and indifferent stage. And now, only 5 months in, I am beginning to realize the pain I caused her and I can't tell her how sorry I am. I know now that there is no love like that of a mother for her daughter and even now I can't imagine how painful it had to have been for her to hear me screaming at her how much I hated her and how I wish I had stayed with my real mother and how I wish I would die or she would die or any number of horrible things I yelled at her. Shame on me for having actually said those things and inflicting pain on the one person that loved me most in the world. And what is worse is that I know she continued to love me even when I yelled those horrible things at her, because she was my mom and no matter what she was going to love me. And I can't tell her I am sorry. I can "put it out in the universe" like the rabbi told me but she isn't here to tell me she knows and it's ok. Not that she would necessarily, because I am sure there is more of a lesson to learn here, but eventually I know she would tell me it was ok. The loss of my mother is nothing compared to the pain I feel knowing how much I must have hurt her. I miss her terribly and know I will for the rest of my life, but I hope that I can overcome this pain and forgive myself as I hope she would have done for me.

It hurts to know that I can never share with her my daughter. Her triumphs as she walks and speaks and starts school. Her pain as she fails and loses boyfriends and best friends. Her joy at her graduation, wedding and birth of her own child. The one person in the world I will want to tell most and she won't be here.

I am definitely still mad, and I am sure I will be for a long time. I now realize I was in denial all the way up until my brother called Saturday morning. As she was in the hospice and I was in the hospital she sounded well on the phone, and I knew she would come through and come home. As I visited her and saw her fading away I knew she would come back with a vengance and kick everyone's ass around her. Eventually I couldn't go anymore because if I did I could no longer deny it. And selfish as it was denial was easier. I wasn't ready to let her go, I'm still not ready. When he called that Friday and I went to see her, she had one last bit of energy to drink a little, and I hung onto that, knowing that if she had that energy she could still make it if I prayed hard enough and made deals with God she could stay and get well. I told her it was ok to go and prayed that she could stay and be well again. Denial Denial. When I first saw her in her bed not moving, not breathing, I waited for her to roll over and jump up and yell gotcha. Anything, because it couldn't be real. My mother couldn't really be gone. I wasn't ready.

So I sat and I told her....I told her everything. She knows I am sorry and she knows how much I love her...knew, damnit, knew. She knew, but I never really got to tell her. I was just mad she was dying, mad at her for leaving me when I still needed her. Mad at her disease, mad at her for choosing to smoke and live unhealthy knowing I was here and needed her. Mad at the world. Furious. And I still am, I am pissed that my mother is gone. It is so much easier to be mad. I did my bargaining in the last hour and was rejected, so now I am angry again. What really scares me is the depression I have yet to hit, knowing my history with that issue. I am still postpartum so when it hits, if it hits anytime soon, it will be tremendous.

I feel lost. I really have no family now and it seems as if no one cares. What upsets me most is that my 'real' family doesn't even really know who I am. They think they have a great idea of who I am but I know for a fact they don't. My mother didn't even know who I was. I was so angry with her the last three years for being sick, and before that I was a teenager-self explanatory. I am a woman with a family and responsibilities that I take care of, quite well amazingly enough. Yeah I need help every once in awhile but who doesn't. Unfortunately they only see me as the little obnoxious spoiled brat I once was. And because of that perception don't care to even try to know me. So, I am lost.

No husband to help with the screaming baby, no mother to tell me it will be ok, and no family to talk to about how much I miss and need my mother. I guess that really is being alone.

There are no words

My mother passed. What does that mean, she passed? She died. She is dead. She is no longer. It hurts. I don't even know what to do with the pain. And then, in a brilliant stroke of timing my husband left. So, now I have to figure out how to mourn my mother, my husband, my marriage and continue on with life for Samantha. I have no family now, I only had those two and they are gone. What's worse is when David left normally I would have gone to my mother, but she left just one day before he did. Yes, one day. The day I buried my mother, just hours after, my husband left. He came back for six days just to leave again today. And he's gone. I am a single mommy. Wow, there really are no words for how I feel right now. And no, don't ask because I am not ok, and I don't really think I will be for a long time.

There is only one light in my life, my Samantha.

http://samanthalorelei.blogspot.com/