The death of a house

My house has died, I am almost sure of it. It used to be filled with laughter and singing and scolding and crying and little feet running around. Now it's quiet, now it's dead.

At one point in time it was not uncommon to have two children running around the house driving me insane. My friend Kimberlee was staying with me, for lack of other arrangements, with her three year old Lucas. David's daughter also spent weekends, every other usually, here playing with Lucas. They had been friends before they could walk and still are. (Kimberlee is actually the reason I met David, but that's another story.) And now due to circumstances out of my control my home is child free.

They used to chase each other and screech and yell. One of their favorite things to do was to flip over the back of my couch, or the side and slam into the wall. It drove me insane! They were never ending fountains of energy that tested my patience. Now I would give anything to have them here running around. I miss them so much. The silence is deafening.

-This is not part of my house dying....or is it. Simply for your understanding.
I met Kim in high school and we were friends for the last few years. During our senior year she became pregnant. Nine months later Lucas Gabriel came into this world. He was so small and delicate. I missed his birth and the first few weeks but after that I made sure I was around. After all, I was Aunt Danielle, I had a duty now.

I was there when he began to crawl and as he slowly began to walk. I was there during his horrible ear infections, which caused him to speak later than usual. But I was there we he began talking and it was like music, beautiful nonsense words expressing his big emotions. I was there as his mother got married, and then separated, and through all the hell that ensued. I was his first crush, oh how he loved his Aunt Danielle. I was excited for him as he finally began going to 'school' and making friends. I heard his first, and second, and third......words he really shouldn't be saying. I have watched him grow and play, running and climbing and falling and being a boy. I was with him when he had to go to the hospital. I felt his pain as he experienced his first real IV and I held him down as he got x-rays. (No small feat I might add!)

Now he is on the other side of the state out of my world, leaving a hole where his hugs and kisses used to be. Of course I call him occasionally, but it is difficult for me to talk to him and not be able to see him. He knows my voice when I talk to him, I don't even have to tell him who's calling. He is always excited to tell me how he is doing in school and what he is having for dinner. And as much as I miss him I know that he is better off now than he has been in his life. He lives with Grandma Robin and he couldn't be happier.

His mother and I don't really talk anymore. I guess you could say it was creative differences. She was creative in telling the truth, and I just told the truth. He wasn't in a good situation. Kim was bouncing between men and therefore men were bouncing in and out of Lucas' life. He ate McDonalds for lunch and dinner practically every day. He was awake and running around the house as she slept during the day. He lived in a filthy apartment which she refused to clean. Kim always said 'You try having a three year old, working midnights, and then cleaning!'. I never told her what I really thought because if I pissed her off I feared losing Lucas. How many mothers go it alone and manage to keep their house clean and bills paid? Thousand, millions I bet. While I never doubted her love for her child I doubted her senses as a mother. When married she took excellent care of him and made sure he had the best he could have. Unfortunately when she left her husband that changed.

She seemed much more focused on living her life and her happiness. I honestly believe she was trying to live out her teenage years she had missed. Going out as often as she could and making comments about 'acting her age'. I'm sorry but regardless how old she is she is ALWAYS first and foremost a mother. When she decided to have a child she gave up her right to go out often and drink and whatever else it was she was doing. Trying to get her to find a job and keep it was like pulling teeth from a ninety year old man, almost impossible. If you can sense my anger you are correct. She has frustrated me more than any person I know, and that is saying quite a bit. Oddly enough though it is not her decisions that upset me the most, I could really care less what she does to her life. I was much more concerned about Lucas. When he began 'escaping' and walking down a major road to go to the dollar store while she was asleep, that infuriated me. There are many other examples I could give but won't. I think that one strikes the general idea home quite clearly.

I love that boy more than anything. I feel like a second mother to him in a way. I have always had his best interest in mind and that will be all I am ever concerned with. Now Kimberlee has decided after living with her mother for a short time she will save enough money and come back to St. Louis. She will come back with no place to live (she certainly won't be coming back here, but Lucas is more than welcome), no job, no money, no ambition to do anything. All she has is a boyfriend that lives with his father, makes $80 a week, and she believes she is so in love with. Isn't that how it's been with all of these different guys? Oh, no, that's right, some of them were just for fun. I am terrified that Lucas will wind up hurt more than anyone in this. He is terrified that his mother will take him out of his Grandmothers house, evidenced by his reactions when her boyfriend comes to visit, he thinks he has to leave.

By far the best place for this little boy to be is with his Grandma Robin. Unfortunately Kimberlee refuses to see that and sees it only as someone trying to take her baby away. If she was truly concerned about his well being and future she would leave him until she got her shit in order, but then without any kind of ambition or drive, I don't know how long that would take.

So now my house is empty and hollow. No munchkins running around giving me headaches, now they are absent and giving me heartaches. I never believed that I would miss them causing havoc in my house, but I do. I would give anything to have them here again.

Now this has to be my all time favorite of pictures I have taken. This is David with his daughter Jade at her third birthday party. It is dificult to get a picture of him smiling, but when you put Jade in there with him he can't help himself.

A better close up of Lucas. This was taken at a McDonalds on a road trip to see David in Iowa. He was actually singing right before I took this picture. I believe this was right before his third birthday.

Ok, well she looks a little...dreamy in this picture. That is the beautiful Jade and the oh so handsome Lucas. In this picture Lucas had just turned three and Jade is only a few months shy of three.

For the sake of education

Education: e-j&-'kA-sh&n -noun- 1:the action or process of educating or of being educated; also : a stage of such a process (Ok first, aren't you not supposed to use the word you are defining in the definition? Way to go Merriam-Webster!!) 2: the field of study that deals mainly with methods of teaching and learning in schools.

Ok, so now we know the definition. Yay. But really what is education? It's ridiculous, that's what it is. It is torture!

I attend the University of Missouri, read Misery. I am always excited when the beginning of a semester comes around. I am an Elementary Education major and I plan on spending the rest of my life in a classroom. I HAVE to be excited about the beginning of a semester. But I really do love to learn..um..about learning. Ok, this sounds so lame when I write it, but I do. It is absolutely intriguing to me to learn about how children develop and learn. And seeing as how it is not a science there are so many theories and schools of thought to learn about. Ok, this is not my point, I'm rambling and I will stop.

So, education. It is a series of schools (elementary, middle, high, and college) to which you must attend and live up to someone else’s idea of good. Uch! Someone else’s idea of passing, someone else’s idea of accomplishment.

Ok, so this is bad, no coherent thoughts, nothing. I am trying to watch television and write about this. So, a summary of my original thoughts.

I have only three classes, my thought was this would make the semester easier. Ha Ha HaHaHa HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ok, so a PE class, easy right? Yeah right. I don't like the idea of standing in front of 20 strangers and trying to teach them, that's why I signed up to teach elementary school! And Junior English should be a punishment for convicts. I love to write and that is just too much. And music....well well well. I never knew I was gonna have to sing in a classroom again.

So, there are my thoughts, scrambled and raw as they come. More to come I suppose.

Is it ever going to end?

Do you ever feel G-d has pointed his finger at you and laughed? Well...I do, sometimes anyway. The topic of G-d is so difficult to get into, along with 'Does s/he have a finger?' and 'Can s/he laugh?'. Well I believe there is a G-d and He is pointing and laughing right now.

So, as if having someone, a staple of your everyday life, leave isn't enough, I have to hate him too. Well, I don't have to hate him I choose to hate him, it's easier for me. When someone does something super shady with an 'old friend' and tries to lie about it the situation doesn't make for happy feelings. I can forgive, maybe, but there will be no forgetting, and that's the problem. I can't forget, therefore I can't fully forgive. Damn this awful circle I am stuck in! I want with every part of me to believe in the so called innocence of the episode, but knowing David as well as I know him I doubt there was any innocence. But I wasn't there. Thank G-d because I would be in jail for a double murder.

But the larger problem comes in the revealing of the lie or lies if you want to be more specific. When confronted with the situation I was given only more lies, no big surprise there. And of course the obligatory 'I love you more than anything in the world and I never meant to hurt you and I'll never do it again'. Then the dreaded 'I'll do anything to make this up to you/ show you how much I care/ show you she meant nothing to me/ gain your trust back', any and all of the above fit there.

I have heard them all many times and they do absolutely nothing for me. I am frustrated! Can't he think of something better to say? Those lines are so worn out and so old that they mean nothing, nothing at all. So you love me, yeah? Why did you do it? You wanna show me you care, really? Why didn't you start about twenty minutes before she showed up? Why are you all of a sudden so concerned in how things look?

Frustration, Anger, Fear, Self-pity, Hatred, Severe Physical Illness, Headaches, Vomiting, Self-loathing, Uncontrolled screaming, Throwing of objects and general HYSTERIA!!!!! Confusion, Denial, Self-doubt, Disgust, Crying, Punching, more Screaming. EXTREME HATRED AND FEELINGS OF ILL WILL...which then lead to me feeling sorry for him. How the fuck did he manage that one? Good job David, I now find myself feeling sorry for you when you have wronged me.

And please don't tell me you want to marry me, not now, not after this. He has told me, emphatically, that he does not want to get married. Not out of one bad marriage and into a new one, not now. So why all of a sudden (or not so all of a sudden, only when trying to kiss some serious ass and make me feel better about the situation) does he want to get married? Of course, that's right, he's changed his mind. At that, what can he offer me? We are from two totally different backgrounds, religions, lifestyles, and mindsets. We argue on a regular basis about things that seem so nonsensical and routine to me but are so foreign and outrageous to him. Maybe opposites attract. But how can he support me, and any children we may have? With no formal education, and no desire to do anything but work on trucks and cars the rest of his life, I don't see how that's possible. I have always envisioned myself with a husband that had a nine to five. Mildly successful at whatever he does, but educated and someone I can have a good, solid debate with on important and current topics. As much as I love David, that is just not him.

So, my question then becomes...is it ever going to end? Can I ever truly love him and not remember this episode? Him leaving me to fight in this G-d forsaken war I told him not to go to. And on top of the fact that he left me, can I forgive this unforgivable action? I don't know, and I think that's what hurts me the most. I want to not think about it all, but I can not get images and sounds and thoughts imagined out of my head. I have this space in my heart that used to be filled with joy when I thought of David, now it is filled with doubt. That is an ugly feeling and not something I want to carry around for a year while he is gone.

So, do I take the blind leap of love and wait this out, missing a precious year of my life, and wait for him to come home and see then if everything works out. Or do I break his heart at the worst possible time, and break mine along with his, and end something that may never be, but may also be, everything I have ever dreamed of? This is what keeps me awake at nights, and what I dream about when I can sleep. This is why I cry myself to sleep. I am so confused, and so lost, and only I can make this decision. This most difficult decision I have made in my adult life, and likely the most important.

We never know what our futures hold and that's what frightens most of us about making decisions. Are we making the correct choice, will this be the best thing for us or will it turn out to be the worst? Unfortunately my history is littered with horrible choices. But lately I have been following my heart, allowing passion to choose which way I go. Amazingly enough it has gotten me well into college with a great future ahead of me, and had kept me relatively healthy and more importantly alive. So, the decision here will also be driven by passion, love, and hope. Because if we don't have these things in our lives, then why are we living?

Been Awhile....

It's been awhile since I wrote, shame on me. It's been a hard 2 weeks. David left on August 9. I was a mess before he left, but I was trying so hard not to let him see. I had to take him to Jefferson Barracks and he left to Jefferson City from there. We then drove the two hours to Jeff City on the 11th for his deployment ceremony. It was his brothers 22nd birthday. What a crappy birthday present, having your brother leave to go fight in a war like this mess we have now. He calls when he can, and brings drama into my life even though he is thousands of miles away in New Jersey right now. But thank G-d he is in New Jersey for now and not already in Iraq.

I miss him, badly. It is really difficult waking up everyday alone, not having someone to kick in the ass to go turn off the alarm clock. It's hard to wake up without him pulling on me and telling me he is leaving and I ABSOLUTELY must get out of bed or I'll be late. (I have learned a little self discipline since he has left but I'm still late to everything.) It is definitely hard to come home from work and open the door to my lonely dog, no David. It is increasingly difficult to sit in the evening watching the news programs highlighting stories of death and destruction in a place that he will soon be leaving for. It is impossible to explain to a dog that daddy loves her and will be coming back someday, but no matter how many times she jumps on his truck or barks at it, he will not be getting out of it any time soon. It is hardest to lie in bed at night and feel that void, that cold lonely bed that I used to share with someone and now have to keep warm and safe on my own.

I never imagined that I would have to give not one, but two people that I love dearly, to a war that I am so strongly against. Please do not read that wrong. I support our troops more than anyone I know, but I believe the government is wrong in the way they handled the situation, the reasoning behind it all, and for staying there. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, cliche but true. Ok, well I have a movie I want to watch. The Out-Of-Towners, it'll likely be horrible but it's worth a try.

This is my brother Jim Avery. He is actually in Qatar in this picture. After awhile they give the soldiers a day or two off and he was sent to Qatar. Not everyone gets time off, but he deals with explosives and they like to let them sleep :-) Anyway, here he lost some weight and is looking mighty pretty. This was late May, early June 2004.

Happy Birthday!!

So today I am 22. I guess after 21 it really is not that big of a deal when you have a birthday. Well, until I hit 30 or 50. As far as gifts go, I got breakfast in bed, steak dinner, and two t-shirts. One of them says "I want to be Barbie....the bitch has everything!!". That is so fitting for me :-) My brother sent me a gift. He is a Specialist in the United States Army and serving in Iraq. Actually he was in Baghdad for awhile but he is at a base near by now, thank goodness. Anyway, he sent a wooden box from Iraq and it is super beautiful. It isn't something I would ordinarily buy for myself but it did make a wonderful gift and it's super special seeing as how it's from him. I'll put a link below if you are interested at all in reading what he is writting about his experience. So, it's the end of the day. I have to drive to Jefferson City tomorrow, not looking forward to that. I am preparing to send my boyfriend over to Iraq also. Anyway, I'll try to write more tomorrow when I get home. TTFN.

http://callnewspapers.com/ If you go to this link, on the left side you can search articles. Type in Avery and highlight Authors. All of the columns he has written are there. So far there are only four but they are interesting. I will eventually put some newer pictures of him up. He has lost so much weight!!