Is this my life?

I can not stand it anymore. I ran, not far and fast, but I ran away and for all those that say running away does nothing I beg to differ. I felt liberated, renewed, and free. Now, I am once again a prisoner and slave to her insults and belittling comments. She acts so innocent like she could never do anything wrong, she's just a cancer patient trying to make it through the day. Well, I'm just a woman tired of being beat up on for the last 23 years and trying to make it through the day without causing someone bodily harm.

For years there were the comments and looks and snide remarks. She said to me yesterday, "But I do tell everyone how great they are when..., doesn't that mean anything?" NO! Not after all the years you have beaten me down, not after all the years you have blamed me for everything wrong in your life. What do you think a child will remember more, saying only once "I didn't have to take you in, I did it because your mother didn't love you and look how you repay me! By being a spoiled, selfish, self-centered little bitch! I don't know why I waste my time" or the very rare "I'm proud of you for doing...."? I will go with the first, because I remember that vividly and only remember one time in my life that my mother said she was proud of me, no two. The first time was because I got on a horse and did something she wanted me to do because she was afraid. Not anything I wanted to do or was proud of, something forced on me. And the second time was when I got my AA (woo hoo), which I was proud of but I only got a "Yeah, I'm proud, even I couldn't do that."

I was finally beginning to feel like a real person, like I could live without her. Lori (my old counselor) would be so disappointed right now. She had me going the right direction and steering away from my mother. She was getting that voice out of my head and helping me to live with my feelings, not how I thought my mother would feel. My intense need to be appreciated and validated, which I am not entirely sure has ever really happened in my life. She told me I had to do things for me, to stay away from my mother because of the way she makes me feel...incompetent, unworthy, useless, lazy, selfish, a waste of time energy and air, well, all the things she said to me as a child. And now, I sit here and wonder if that is what I need to do, not worry about her, assume she can handle things on her own (after all, if there is a problem all you have to do is throw money at it) and let me be and live my life starting over in another place without her. I would feel immense guilt and pain, anger and frustration, but I would not have to live with her daily put downs and degradations.

My goal in life was to be happily married, educated and employed, and to have my own family. I was well on my way, and all of a sudden the world came to a crashing halt because my mother was sick. I look around wondering, why am I the only one willing to help, and I realize, it is because she has completely chased off one (Jim, who openly admits he hates her and wants nothing to do with her, and I am close behind on that bandwagon) and has driven the other to alcohol and drugs. Me, no, she made me completely dependent on her, going so far as to stunt my social skills by not allowing me out with my friends so that I would have no one else but her. And it worked, that stupid crazy bitch did it. And now all I want to do is run away, but there is that piece of me she programmed just right saying, you can't ever leave. Just like when I was younger every night she would tell me "You'll live with me forever". Well, I suppose she is on the right track to get her wish.

She is so wrapped up in her own unhappiness and fits the cliché so well-Misery loves company-because all she seems to want to do is cause drama between me and my husband. Which, unfortunately happens naturally because when I am around her I become this evil, vindictive person and say horrible mean things to him because I can't say them to her, she wouldn't approve. But, on top of all this she comes to me constantly, "You husband lied about this today" or "Your husband did this wrong today". What the fuck am I gonna do about it? Take it up with him, he is a grown ass man and I am not his babysitter. She constantly tells me what crap he is (apparently she still is miffed that I got married, making it undeniable that I will not be depending on her forever) and then turns around and says, no I love David what are you talking about I never say bad things about him. Really, you argue with him enough. He is ready to leave me here because he simply can not deal with her. [He was treated, well we will just say poorly as a child because it is not my right to reveal information that is not mine to tell, and he said my mother was worse than what he had to deal with. I think I would have rather been in his situation, physical abuse is much easier I think. Wounds and scars heal, words stay in your mind and haunt you forever.] She is so hell bent on my misery that sometimes I act like I couldn't be happier with the world and watch as she tries desperately to bring me down by trying to argue with me or crying and telling me I am horrible to her and making her feel like crap.

Oh, her favorite thing at the moment is to scream and cry and tell me that I don't love her and I am there to help her but I am only worried about my self. Achm, excuse me. The only thing I am truly concerned with lately is getting out of the closet of a room my husband, dog, and I are sharing, yes. If I am forced to live here with you I believe I have the right to be as far away from you as physically possible and comfortable with a little bit of elbow room. But, am I mistaken that by halting my entire life and permanently screwing up many things so that I can take care of you, is selfish and self-centered? Yet, when I bring that fact up it isn't enough that I have given all of that up, I no too must give up whatever sanity I have left to listen to her drivel on about things I have heard five hundred times and heaven forbid I say I have heard it before because she will cry and have a pity party and tell me I don't care and I am a selfish horrible person for not listening to the nine hundredth rendition of how horribly she was treated when she was a cop or about how she left Mike (who I considered my father) for another man she absolutely adored and loved and forgive me for not wanting to hear about her sex life please, because these are not things I feel I have to listen to. And then she tells me, so nonchalantly, that she is glad the gun is out of the house so now she doesn't have to worry about shooting herself. And, at he same time, saying it as if it would be my fault if she did. Well, I'd do it for her in a minute just so she would stop muttering about me and calling me a piece of shit and a horrible worthless bitch every time she walks through a room I am in. Wonderful woman, hope I am absolutely nothing like that to my children. Already told David just to shoot me if I ever am.

I am babbling, I know, I have so much hate and anger in me I can not even think straight. Just the sound of her voice makes my whole entire body tense up and want to scream and throw something. She could be saying the nicest thing and I want to break something. David doesn't understand why while she is being 'nice' I am being mean. Well, because I don't think there is anything she can say to me now to make me stop hating. I don't like that word because it is so strong, but I really do think it is hate. Hate that she makes me feel less than I am. Hate that she thinks she is superior to me in some way and can flaunt that over me. Hate that she has ruined the lives of people that I care about and continues to torture them daily from afar with hurtful things she has done in the past. Hate, and fear, that I will have the same feelings as I get older and can not get her out of my head. Hate that she has so much control over my feelings and my life and I feel I have lost all control. Hate.

Moved....

I have moved. I didn't want to move, and I am not happy but I did it for her. Back at my mom's. I couldn't stand her before her brain was fried why in g-ds name did I think I could do it now? David and me and Jade on the weekends and Ginger is driving everyone crazy. Uch. This is horrible. I just hope I make it out alive.

not again

3 brain tumors. thats all i can say. no words, only crying, a lot of crying.

Two In One Month...I'm On A Roll!!

Oh lord. Why did I think I could take five classes in two months. I am losing my mind and I have only finished the first week. All day Monday through Friday and Jade on the weekends. How am I going to think? And David has her for two weeks coming up...sanity? One good thing on the school front, my F I had last semester is going to be changed to an Excused grade so my GPA will go from the 2.9 it made me have back to my 3.4. Now I can breathe again.

In other news, for those of you who don't know yet because I can't get you on the phone....I am moving. To the land of Far Far Away. Well, Fort Richardson probably. Don't know where there is? Think north, very very north. Arctic circle north, 1.5 hours from Anchorage, Alaska north. It's better than Germany which is where he wanted to go first. Uch. Dirty Germans. And no English, sob. We decided to wait until Jade is older to go overseas. Oh, why the sudden moving you may ask? He is going Active Army.

I will miss the little ones the most. All of them, Jade, Lucas, Lindsey. And my mom, on her good days. I'll miss the humidity (at some point I'm sure) and the 90 degree days. I'll miss the sun in the winter and the dark in the summer. I'll miss normal people who don't wear snow boots all year round. I'll miss road trips....SO MUCH. You can't really road trip there, water on three sides and Canada on the other. I'll miss my degree, only two semesters away from graduating and I am leaving. I'll miss everybody and everything. This is gonna be so hard. Ok, I'm depressed now, Later.

Been Awile....Again

Well, life happens as we all know. Busy and all. Not much happening. School ended, bastard grades. Schools starting again in two weeks. Uch. It's a never ending cycle. Especially for me I guess. I will never be out of school, how ironic, how sad. Well, I'll be done with college soon enough anyway. Well, for now. My Masters will be next, but hopefully I won't start that for another two years or so. Let my brain have a break.

So, today I am busy. Not that any of you care but I'm busy. Tedious crap as always. Laundry, Library, UMSL, Renissance. Already paid bills, one thing off my list. But I'm excited to go to the Renissance. We are 'scoping out' the place for the wedding. Funny, the chick Rose we are seeing, her birthday is the day of our ceremony, August 13. Kim too. Well, atleast Kim will be able to get drunk on her birthday!! And maybe she won't forget one of our anniversaries (SPL?). Ok, have to shower now and go do stuff. Ugh.