Is it ever going to end?

Do you ever feel G-d has pointed his finger at you and laughed? Well...I do, sometimes anyway. The topic of G-d is so difficult to get into, along with 'Does s/he have a finger?' and 'Can s/he laugh?'. Well I believe there is a G-d and He is pointing and laughing right now.

So, as if having someone, a staple of your everyday life, leave isn't enough, I have to hate him too. Well, I don't have to hate him I choose to hate him, it's easier for me. When someone does something super shady with an 'old friend' and tries to lie about it the situation doesn't make for happy feelings. I can forgive, maybe, but there will be no forgetting, and that's the problem. I can't forget, therefore I can't fully forgive. Damn this awful circle I am stuck in! I want with every part of me to believe in the so called innocence of the episode, but knowing David as well as I know him I doubt there was any innocence. But I wasn't there. Thank G-d because I would be in jail for a double murder.

But the larger problem comes in the revealing of the lie or lies if you want to be more specific. When confronted with the situation I was given only more lies, no big surprise there. And of course the obligatory 'I love you more than anything in the world and I never meant to hurt you and I'll never do it again'. Then the dreaded 'I'll do anything to make this up to you/ show you how much I care/ show you she meant nothing to me/ gain your trust back', any and all of the above fit there.

I have heard them all many times and they do absolutely nothing for me. I am frustrated! Can't he think of something better to say? Those lines are so worn out and so old that they mean nothing, nothing at all. So you love me, yeah? Why did you do it? You wanna show me you care, really? Why didn't you start about twenty minutes before she showed up? Why are you all of a sudden so concerned in how things look?

Frustration, Anger, Fear, Self-pity, Hatred, Severe Physical Illness, Headaches, Vomiting, Self-loathing, Uncontrolled screaming, Throwing of objects and general HYSTERIA!!!!! Confusion, Denial, Self-doubt, Disgust, Crying, Punching, more Screaming. EXTREME HATRED AND FEELINGS OF ILL WILL...which then lead to me feeling sorry for him. How the fuck did he manage that one? Good job David, I now find myself feeling sorry for you when you have wronged me.

And please don't tell me you want to marry me, not now, not after this. He has told me, emphatically, that he does not want to get married. Not out of one bad marriage and into a new one, not now. So why all of a sudden (or not so all of a sudden, only when trying to kiss some serious ass and make me feel better about the situation) does he want to get married? Of course, that's right, he's changed his mind. At that, what can he offer me? We are from two totally different backgrounds, religions, lifestyles, and mindsets. We argue on a regular basis about things that seem so nonsensical and routine to me but are so foreign and outrageous to him. Maybe opposites attract. But how can he support me, and any children we may have? With no formal education, and no desire to do anything but work on trucks and cars the rest of his life, I don't see how that's possible. I have always envisioned myself with a husband that had a nine to five. Mildly successful at whatever he does, but educated and someone I can have a good, solid debate with on important and current topics. As much as I love David, that is just not him.

So, my question then becomes...is it ever going to end? Can I ever truly love him and not remember this episode? Him leaving me to fight in this G-d forsaken war I told him not to go to. And on top of the fact that he left me, can I forgive this unforgivable action? I don't know, and I think that's what hurts me the most. I want to not think about it all, but I can not get images and sounds and thoughts imagined out of my head. I have this space in my heart that used to be filled with joy when I thought of David, now it is filled with doubt. That is an ugly feeling and not something I want to carry around for a year while he is gone.

So, do I take the blind leap of love and wait this out, missing a precious year of my life, and wait for him to come home and see then if everything works out. Or do I break his heart at the worst possible time, and break mine along with his, and end something that may never be, but may also be, everything I have ever dreamed of? This is what keeps me awake at nights, and what I dream about when I can sleep. This is why I cry myself to sleep. I am so confused, and so lost, and only I can make this decision. This most difficult decision I have made in my adult life, and likely the most important.

We never know what our futures hold and that's what frightens most of us about making decisions. Are we making the correct choice, will this be the best thing for us or will it turn out to be the worst? Unfortunately my history is littered with horrible choices. But lately I have been following my heart, allowing passion to choose which way I go. Amazingly enough it has gotten me well into college with a great future ahead of me, and had kept me relatively healthy and more importantly alive. So, the decision here will also be driven by passion, love, and hope. Because if we don't have these things in our lives, then why are we living?