Those Big Fanciful Dreams

I am not one that is big on dreams and their meaning and sharing them, but I had a dream that scared the beejezus out of me and I want to share it. Ok, you can't laugh, because some of it is weird, or funny as David laughed at me.

So I was in a hospital on like the 50th floor and has this huge pane window on my left side. All of a sudden there was this fighter jet hovering (I don't know how it just did) right outside my window. I freaked out because I thought it was going to shoot me and so I hid behind my bed and told David to close my blinds. It took off and I got back into bed only for it to reappear. Next thing I knew there was this green stuff being shot at the plane from above the hospital. I knew, without seeing the craft, that it was coming from an alien spaceship. (It was shooting green stuff like in Independence Day)The fighter jet took off and an all out war started.

Next thing I knew we were in a car with Sam and Jade headed toward our house in St Charles (?). We were speeding away from the city and you could see it in the background with the large spaceship over downtown St Louis and we were going across the bridge. We pulled off and I was panicking because we needed diapers and wipes and formula if we were going to run away and we didn't have any money. We stopped at this one store and spent out last bit of money on some supplies, details unknown. I was asking the woman there if she knew what was going on as she had a television that was on, but was now all snow. She said yes, they were coming and we would all die. "We've been here a long time you know," she said, "It's in the water." I freaked out because she had just given Jade a dixie cup with water so I threw it out of her hands and we began to run, David holding Sam and our car had now disappeared.

We eventually made it home and I ran to the computer to see if I could find any news online. When I punched up MSN news there was a picture of Sam's ultrasound (there was one where her mouth was open and her thumb was going toward the mouth, very creepy looking.) She was moving her thumb back and forth and over the picture was this sound that I of course understood to be the alien language and it was saying, "We started it all in the womb." I screamed and screamed and was trying to tell David as he walked through the door that Samantha was an alien and was going to kill us. It was one of those horrible anguish filled screams because I instantly knew we had to get rid of Sam to survive but she was my baby.

I woke up at this point freaking out and shaking. I don't know why it scared me so bad but it did. A few days later I was thinking about it and I realized why I felt so....desperate, so scared, and so hurt when I realized Sam was an alien. Our children are the only ones that can really hurt us. We put so much into them, our heart and souls, and so much time and effort into making them the best we hope to make them. Anyway, this is my bad dream, creepy or not to you, and it scared the hell out of me.

Night and Day

Looking at my blog I realized the last few things on there were not so positive things about my husband, and then today I am talking about him and not threatening death. Well, yes, he is here. And alive. For now anyway, I do threaten death nearly everyday to him. So, his explanation...He was having trouble with my mom dying too. Hell of a way to show it. Whatever, I'm done with it for now, sort of. Oh yeah, for all of you in Missouri, don't forget to vote next Tuesday.

YES ON AMENDMENT TWO!!!!

It's About Time....

I needed to get that awful blog off as the first thing you see. So, as baby news is the only news in my world lately, Sam is getting big. Pulling up on things and stepping with fingers in hand and all. Man, time has gone by so fast, already 7 months. Semester at school is coming to an end so of course all the insanity that goes with that is running around. David got into the police academy so he is going off to be an important cop type thing at the end of the month. Lots going on here I guess. Tired. Good night.

tequilla.....bad idea

It's hot. I'm in hell so I guess it;s only appropriate. I don;t know how you are suposed to react to someone saying they definately dnont want to be with you so i just decided tequilla was the answeer. i cant really see the words ont he creen, i thinkk my glasses would help but they just make my face heavy. so for all of yuo who read this, not so great day today. call me tomorrow please and make sure i am alive.

Grrrrrr

I guess I find comfort here. No one really wants to listen to me rant and rave. everyone says "oh, if you need help just call" but when I do they can't help. I just need someone here with me when she goes to sleep. She cries for hours, 3 tonight. And then I cry with her. I actually yelled at her tonight, and I felt horrible, and I cried more. I don't handle stress well, everyone that knows me well knows that. I get stomach problems (that's why I had an ulcer at 8) when I get stressed, and mine are horrible right now. I can't eat I am so nauseated. Hey, maybe I'll lose that baby weight. Oh, and I'm menstrual, that helps. I just- I'm so lost. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I still have yet to heaar from this self absorbed asshole. Do I file for divorce? Is that what I want? No, I want my husband back. Ah....that's not right either. I want the man I married back, not my husband because he is the psychotic freak that left me a week ago. I want the man I married back, I love him and I am holding on so tightly to him...not David now but David then I guess. I just feel like a failure. I feel unloved and unimportant. I feel like my daughter is unloved and unimportant and that makes it worse. Yeah I know you all love her, but her Daddy is supposed to love her, and apparently he doesn't, he has made that very clear.

I almost want him to be with another woman, it would make it easier for me to let him go. I really hope he doesn't come back and do the I love you I'm sorry crap because then I am the bad guy if I end it. When Sam gets older he can say I wanted to fix it but your mom said no and I am the one that tore a family apart when it's his fault. Well, for leaving anyway.

I know I bitch a lot, I know I am controlling, I know I have a tone, etc etc. It's not news to me. And it's not news to him, he knew coming into this what he was dealing with. I hatre to say it, but I am my mother. Aren't we all in the end? But I am. I look at myself, really look lately, and I see her staring back. So afraid to be hurt by anyone I push everyone away and isolate myself. I name call I berate I make other people feel like crap-well those I love anyway, the ones I care to spend the energy on- so that when they leave I can say I didn't like them anyway, or I never needed them. I thrive on chaos, but I am controlling because if it's gonna be messed up, it's gonna be messed up my way. I hate it beacuse I said everyday I didn't want to be her and now I am. Now it is my personal battle to ensure that I change. I know how hard it is to change yourself, especially since I have been this way for 24 years, but I have to change. I have a generally negative attitude about nearly everything. I can't stand to be around people I don't know, uch everything. I mean I have great qualities. (If my counselor could see what I am about to do she would be so proud for finding the positive)I am a very giving person, if someone needs help I am there to help. I am caring and i listen, ok yeah thats as far as i can go. Maybe she wouldnt be so proud, I only got two things, but you get the idea. I don't want to change everything, but there is a lot of work that needs to be done. I wish my husband were here to do it with me, but apparently I havent changed quickly enough for him.

ok, im done, im tired and i have to figure out how to do my homework for class before i pass out. i just need to rant. I am sure i will be doing a lot of that around here lately. thanks for reading....