So tonight has really sucked. As Samantha once again refuses to sleep I cry while she screams at me wondering why I am left to do this alone. I am tired of hearing everyone's consolations and the oh you are better off without him crap. No, I'm not. I'd be better if he were here helping me, if he were here being a good dad and husband. And on top of it all I really miss my mom. Regardless of my relationship with her I really need her right now. Not someone else's mommy, my mommy. The one that gives you a hug and tells you it will be all right and you know it will because your mommy said so. The one that tells you it doesn't matter because no one loves you more than her anyway and she will always love you. The one that tells you no one is good enough for you anyway (even if it were the president) and makes you feel like you are the world to her and that's all that matters. I miss my mommy. I miss sitting on the couch next to her when I watched Buffy (when I was much younger) because I was afraid of the vampires and she let me hide in her shirt and put her arm around me to make me feel safe. I need her arms around me now to make me feel safe and loved. I don't care if she yells and screams and calls me names and is mean and we argue, I need my mommy to tell me it will be ok. I want her to say see I told you he wasn't good enough for you but it will be ok because I am here and I will fix everything.

I read a book on motherloss awhile back and it talks about women whose mothers have died. Most of the women are older and have had a good long time with their mothers but it did talk about motherloss at a younger age too. The book talks about the cycle of a mother daughter relationship. The daughter is the little girl and adores her mother, then turns into the evil teen who hates her mother, then the indifferent 20something, and then when she becomes a mother she slowly begins to realize what being a mother is all about and reconnects with her mother on a totally different level. Well, my mom left somewhere between the hate and indifferent stage. And now, only 5 months in, I am beginning to realize the pain I caused her and I can't tell her how sorry I am. I know now that there is no love like that of a mother for her daughter and even now I can't imagine how painful it had to have been for her to hear me screaming at her how much I hated her and how I wish I had stayed with my real mother and how I wish I would die or she would die or any number of horrible things I yelled at her. Shame on me for having actually said those things and inflicting pain on the one person that loved me most in the world. And what is worse is that I know she continued to love me even when I yelled those horrible things at her, because she was my mom and no matter what she was going to love me. And I can't tell her I am sorry. I can "put it out in the universe" like the rabbi told me but she isn't here to tell me she knows and it's ok. Not that she would necessarily, because I am sure there is more of a lesson to learn here, but eventually I know she would tell me it was ok. The loss of my mother is nothing compared to the pain I feel knowing how much I must have hurt her. I miss her terribly and know I will for the rest of my life, but I hope that I can overcome this pain and forgive myself as I hope she would have done for me.

It hurts to know that I can never share with her my daughter. Her triumphs as she walks and speaks and starts school. Her pain as she fails and loses boyfriends and best friends. Her joy at her graduation, wedding and birth of her own child. The one person in the world I will want to tell most and she won't be here.

I am definitely still mad, and I am sure I will be for a long time. I now realize I was in denial all the way up until my brother called Saturday morning. As she was in the hospice and I was in the hospital she sounded well on the phone, and I knew she would come through and come home. As I visited her and saw her fading away I knew she would come back with a vengance and kick everyone's ass around her. Eventually I couldn't go anymore because if I did I could no longer deny it. And selfish as it was denial was easier. I wasn't ready to let her go, I'm still not ready. When he called that Friday and I went to see her, she had one last bit of energy to drink a little, and I hung onto that, knowing that if she had that energy she could still make it if I prayed hard enough and made deals with God she could stay and get well. I told her it was ok to go and prayed that she could stay and be well again. Denial Denial. When I first saw her in her bed not moving, not breathing, I waited for her to roll over and jump up and yell gotcha. Anything, because it couldn't be real. My mother couldn't really be gone. I wasn't ready.

So I sat and I told her....I told her everything. She knows I am sorry and she knows how much I love her...knew, damnit, knew. She knew, but I never really got to tell her. I was just mad she was dying, mad at her for leaving me when I still needed her. Mad at her disease, mad at her for choosing to smoke and live unhealthy knowing I was here and needed her. Mad at the world. Furious. And I still am, I am pissed that my mother is gone. It is so much easier to be mad. I did my bargaining in the last hour and was rejected, so now I am angry again. What really scares me is the depression I have yet to hit, knowing my history with that issue. I am still postpartum so when it hits, if it hits anytime soon, it will be tremendous.

I feel lost. I really have no family now and it seems as if no one cares. What upsets me most is that my 'real' family doesn't even really know who I am. They think they have a great idea of who I am but I know for a fact they don't. My mother didn't even know who I was. I was so angry with her the last three years for being sick, and before that I was a teenager-self explanatory. I am a woman with a family and responsibilities that I take care of, quite well amazingly enough. Yeah I need help every once in awhile but who doesn't. Unfortunately they only see me as the little obnoxious spoiled brat I once was. And because of that perception don't care to even try to know me. So, I am lost.

No husband to help with the screaming baby, no mother to tell me it will be ok, and no family to talk to about how much I miss and need my mother. I guess that really is being alone.

There are no words

My mother passed. What does that mean, she passed? She died. She is dead. She is no longer. It hurts. I don't even know what to do with the pain. And then, in a brilliant stroke of timing my husband left. So, now I have to figure out how to mourn my mother, my husband, my marriage and continue on with life for Samantha. I have no family now, I only had those two and they are gone. What's worse is when David left normally I would have gone to my mother, but she left just one day before he did. Yes, one day. The day I buried my mother, just hours after, my husband left. He came back for six days just to leave again today. And he's gone. I am a single mommy. Wow, there really are no words for how I feel right now. And no, don't ask because I am not ok, and I don't really think I will be for a long time.

There is only one light in my life, my Samantha.

http://samanthalorelei.blogspot.com/

Has it really been 6 weeks?

Wow. I guess when you don't sleep or eat or feel human time flies. I thought it was only supposed to do that when you are having fun. Or am I having fun? Not in the conventional sense that's for sure. Now, while I will continue to write about my life here, which really will be all baby stuff anyway at this point, Sam has her own place. http://samanthalorelei.blogspot.com pictures and such. both of them won't be updated so regularly now that life is busy and sleep is precious but I thought id let everyone know where her pictures are for now.

I have been hit by a truck

Who says pregnant women glow? And why are we supposed to be happy all the time? If anyone has been pregnant they should know not to perpetrate this rumor. Or is it a ploy to make others suffer the same fate? And why is there no handbook or guide to pregnancy? SO many people have done it you would think they could manage a warning of some kind. Yeah there is the What To Expect books but they make it sound so pleasant, liars. Nowhere does it say the last month you will feel like you have been hit by a truck, or small train perhaps. Nowhere does it tell the horror stories of hemroids, numb itchy bellies, swollen burning hands, and severe back spasams. Evil people want you to think it's fun and you will glow. Glisten maybe from carrying 30 extra pounds, but not glow.

So the magical Dr Vlastos, or Mikee as David calls him, snipped the 'fishing line' holding her in. (Ok, and why do men have to decide the time to chat about fishing line and it's resemblance to the sutures is while there is a speculum jammed in my...and a pair of long scissors inserted to remove said suture?!?) I was hoping she'd slide right out. So much for that idea. I actually did dialate to 2cm by Wednesday and I was very excited hoping there was more dialation to come. No such luck. Dr Whalen, lovingly dubbed Tommy by the husband, said I was staedy at 2cm a nd not likely to move. Scar tissue is holding strong and I am in the midst of a Catch 22. To further move my scarred cervix I need to have some serious contractions, such as those in active labor. To get these contractions I need to be in active labor, about 4cm dialated. I'm screwed. She's never coming out now. He said my water will have to break. Yeah...

Now I am on a mission to get my water to break. I have had all the suggestions from sex to walking and what foods to eat, yadayada. But if you hadn't had sex in nearly 5 months walking would sound good to you too, and much less painful even with the horrible back spasams. So April 12th-ish he said he will break my water, a whopping week early, if it h asn't done so already. He is convinced it will break in the next week. He was also convinced I wouldn't stay pregnant until February and then that as soon as the cerclage came out so would baby. So don't put any money on anything quite yet.

Anyway, as you can tell I am irritated and quite crabby 24/7 now. I am uncomfortable, I can't sleep, and I am done being pregnant. I have said that for awhile now but I want her out. Yes I want to see her face and hold her and all that jazz but I really would like my body back now PLEASE. I can't see my feet, really. Or anything below my belly for that matter. It's horrible having to have your husband shave for you. Legs and...all the other stuff. Kills the nerves.

Alright, I am going to attempt to sleep. Wish me luck, I am goin gto need a LOT of it.

5 Months Is A Long Time

A very long time. I am pretty sure that everyone that reads this knows what is going on with me though. I am home now, Feb 22 actually. Been hanging out and not really staying in bed like I am supposed to but at this point if she is coming then so be it. We finally have everything! Crib, bassinet, changing table, high chair, bouncy seat, car seat, stroller, sling, diaper bag (huge point of contention with hubby man), clothes, diapers, wipes, socks, hats, bottles, oh my good lord babies require a lot of stuff. It was expensive stocking up, and yes I know it will continue to be expensive, but now that all the big stuff is done I feel a lot more ok about all of this.

Jade is excited. She was here while we put the crib together and I think she may have realized she really was going to have to share her room and her space as her room shrunk considerably after it was in one piece. Thank goodness we will all fit in here ok though. We were afraid we weren't going to be able to get a 2 bedroom, that would have been a very interesting problem. But there is lots of space, well for people not for all of our junk.

Ok, so last time I had an ultrasound....March 1, she was 5 lbs 4 oz. I go every week for monitoring and then another day every week to see my doctor. March 21 is the magic date for snipping. 2pm the stitch comes out and we see what happens. My OB is convinced she'll be here in a day or two and the perinatologist isn't so sure. I just want to see her pretty little face, and find out who it is that has had their gigantor toes lodged in my ribs the last week or so. She moons everyone a lot. Because of the bicorniate uterus (2 pieces and she only gets one) she's in like half a uterus making it very cramped very early. So, as she is head down, toes in the ribs, and facing in her butt sticks out. When she moves or stretches or anything this little bump pokes out of my belly and it is definately a butt. It was funny because I was reading something about mommies to be and it asks if you are playing name that bump with your husband yet. I laughed because we don't really have to guess since she can't move around a lot it has to be her butt. And I can push and push all day long to try and move her when it hurts and she digs in her toes more and pushes the butt out further...brat.

Ok so I have a paper I have to write. Hopefully I can do this again before she gets here. As soon as I get pics of me pregnant off t he camera and on the comp I'll post some, I just look fat not pregnant but oh well.